Letters to Tuvia #7: 8-31-15

Morning T,

I can begin this letter proudly showing you that house is officially back to normal.

Good thing you weren’t here for the abundance of food, the refrigerator overflow, the number of friends working in the kitchen, and even the steady steam of visitors. Eliana investigated every inch of the house and left her fingerprints all lover the glass coffee table.  She was frustrated when we refused to let her crawl on it, just like all the kids who have tried. It was a non-stop Shiva day from 2-10.

At the very end of the evening Sharon found a caffeine free tea bag, heated up your electric kettle and sat with me as I started to breathe more normally as we both inspected the emptied refrigerator.  It will be a pleasure to refill it with healthy selections. All leftovers are now filling Ron and Leora’s shelves  including an afternoon delivery from Fred and Sheila- fantastic brisket!

With the house cleaned and garbage cans filled to overflowing ( good thing garbage collection is scheduled for tomorrow morning) and now that home is familiar,  I begin my journey without you.

Ami is safely back with Adi and the kids, Rick, on the same flight is back  with Earis, awaiting Maya’s  new baby, all of our friends and family left for home leaving me with promises that we will continue together  when I’m ready, but when the front door shut and I returned to our living room for one last cup of coffee, there was silence.  No conversation reflecting on our day, no shared preparation for bed with you.

Everyone describes this year ahead with dread, warning me  to move slowly.  Of course I don’t want to.  I want to get to it, avoid the pain, take control of the process, but I know I can’t.

Our friends and family are feeling your loss but it’s the silence here that will be the most difficult to get used to.  Usually at 4 am if I’m up, I tiptoe in bare feet to the door of the bedroom, listening to you breathe, snore.

This morning I’m not moving out of our new chair in the living room.  Not necessary because you are somewhere else.  You have taken away that responsibility from my list of things to do.

I am missing you, T.  but the house is now officially ready to live in, of course Sophia needs to give it a good cleaning soon.

In a few hours, as the morning light fills the darkness I’ll be back in my sneakers, ready  to end August with a walk in the woods with Sharon. It  should be up in the 90’s today-  not the best temp for you, but the trees and early morning chill will protect us and as we walk Kennedy Park, Sharon will never get tried of sharing her Tuvia stories me, you so feel free to listen in if you’re around.

Love you T,

Bonnie S.

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5 thoughts

  1. And so it begins. Your new life, the one where you will fill in the corners and silent spaces with your thoughts. And I’m sure the conversations with Tuvia will continue, even though you can’t actually hear his voice. Take it easy, let the feelings flow. Sending you support and hugs and much love.

    • This will be a totally new journey for me and I’m the process of setting up support
      Going back into therapy, getting back into an exercise routine, reaching out to family and friends and heading soon to some measured travel and work,
      But when I shut the lights there’s a new silence

  2. Of all the letters, this is the one that brings tears to my eyes. I am so sad for you. My thoughts are with you as explore this new territory, this new chapter in your life.

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