Letters to Tuvia #9: September 2, 2015

Morning T,

Yesterday was my first day without a Shiva event and group support. Without much sleep at the night(as usual) I began formulating a new morning routine- up and out for a walk in Ridgewood and then a search for the perfect coffee spot to park myself with my Kindle and the new Girl in the Spider’s Web  just out.

Healthy plan right?

I got into my car around 9 and started driving.  I was a bit shaky, teary.  I forced myself to drive slowly.  Got there and parked near our Daily Treat but I wanted to get walking. I tried but it was hot and I was weak. Instead I grabbed a small table in the shade and opened my Kindle.

I ate and read.  No walking.

I got back into my car by 10,  headed for Fairway with plans to fill the fridge with my go-to foods.  I had other things on the agenda, but I settled for just Fairway.

Home, bags unpacked,back in my chair, Kindle in hand.  I collapsed in tears and realized I was just not ready for primetime.

What was I thinking????

But with phone close by, it never stopped ringing. By 3  I was making dinner plans with Hilda, pushing her to meet me at our Bone Fish.  Big mistake.  That was more than she could do and while I was at our table waiting for her, she was lost and reaching out for help to get to me.  Success, finally.

While I waited nervously, the manager, Joe came to me with such sweet condolences. You would have been very impressed at his sincerity.  So much love there.

Long dinner.  Michael showed up to lead Hilda home.  No way can she take on Paramus solo again.

One week ago today, we officially took you off life support and said goodbye.

I really need to slow down and take this all in.

Miss you T.  It’s way too quiet here.


Bonnie S.

5 thoughts

  1. Dear Bonnie, I think you are very brave and admire the way you are pushing forward. That’s healthy. But the collapsing in the chair is healthy too. Hugs to you.

  2. Dear Bonnie, I am reading your letters every day and think about you many times during the day, wondering how you are doing. Even though I’ve never met you in person, I feel like I know you well because of your writing. Keep reaching out for support and be patient with yourself. Sending hugs and love. Julie

  3. Trying, then turning back is okay. Sometimes there are things that surprise, good and not so much. Those you keep sharing about who are offering such comfort are good to hear about, Bonnie. Glad you are listening to your feelings, and working to eat right too. Hugs for today.

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