Letters to Tuvia #26: September 20,2015


It’s the Emmy Awards tonight and you would probably be out of here in 15 minutes to watch anything else in another room.  I’m still hooked on these star-studded extravaganzas even if I don’t care much about who wins for TV shows.  I still watch!  If you were here with me, I promise I’d shut it off.

As for the last few days, let’s say I’m officially in defrost mode and this is the second  version I’ve written today.  The first version is private. Yes, some censorship is necessary.  It’s been a day of extremes.

I woke up in my freshly cleaned apartment and felt good.  I made my way  to the front of the apartment and  made my usual breakfast, but not in a smooth routine yet, not like I my master chef creations at the house.  Give me time.

Hilda called as I was finishing, psyched to meet me at the bottom of the hill for breakfast at Hogan’s Diner.  Now I still needed to shower and dress and I was just good for another cup of coffee.  Hilda was ready to leave.  Challenged, I showered, dressed and  got there with time to spare before her and here’s where the crash begins.

Just walking into diner  broke me: tears flowed and I started a shaking that seems to be particular to grieving.  Memories flooded me and I was absolutely no company for Hilda.  I couldn’t speak without crying but I was a great listener.

As we parted and I got back into my car, and realized that  this was officially my first ordinary Sunday without you.

What now?

Sun shining, I headed off to the House for essentials, returned to my apartment and refused to put a cover over my head.  Out into the the sunshine for a complex walk, up and down the hills of mountainview for 20, 30 productive minutes.

Sounds like a great day right?  Nope, it wasn’t.  Yes, I was active… I spent time reading a second memoir written by Joyce Carol Oates who documents her husband’s sudden death and her work to deal with the grief and loss.  Yes, there’s a theme here.  This is another one that I’ve read before but it has new meaning now of course.   I’m searching for connections, suggestions, signs.

A few hours before dinner with Marie France and I was filling my bag with coupons for Bed, Bath and Beyond.  More pieces for my new comfort set, a new coffee maker-( yes, I really need it).  And I had time to read before Marie France arrived from from the City.

She could see I wasn’t myself and didn’t really expect me to be.  She’s been great.  I’ve been so lucky to have the friends I/we do.

So yes, sounds like it could have been a great day, yes, there were moments, but the overall experience, it wasn’t a good day for me without you.

You are everywhere but right here with me,

Bonnie S.


5 thoughts

  1. I hope you know you are in the thoughts of many. I look for your words every day. Another day passes, you write to pull Tuvia into your world, but many are part of your world even if not physically.

  2. I’ve found that as people, our expectation is that if we do #1, then #2, and on, then “things” will be fixed, and in addition to the heavy grief felt, there isn’t any magical group of steps to heal a loss. Sometimes the days (hours) work fairly well, & sometimes they don’t. These are the words for you tonight, with hugs, too. I hope they’ll touch a little bit. You did give me a laugh in this post, about the Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons. The last time I was there this woman pulled a zipper pouch from her large handbag that was filled with the coupons, & held everyone up as she tried to find one not out of date. It was funny, with everyone huffing & puffing at the time she was taking. I did hope that she went home & cleaned it out! Just one of those ‘ha, ha” moments!

  3. As Linda so wisely says, there is no magic to mourning – grief like this will take time before each day will not bring with it a sorrow that will be as all consuming and on the surface as it is now. Looking forward to seeing you my friend.

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