Letters to Tuvia #44: Shabbat Shalom (10-10-15)

Morning T,

In a few hours I’ll be on my way back up the Thruway with my car filled with care packages from Harold’s for my dad.  He needs a Jew food fix and your freezer is crying to be emptied.  I just hope I don’t forget to take it all with me.  You aren’t here to remind me at least 4 times.

My brother Rick is here from Israel so he will be joining us with Dani and Leigh.  The table will be filled with conversation.  Yes, I made sure to invite Martin as well. 🙂

Yesterday was filled with activity.  Early breakfast with my book buds at Strawberry Place, in fact, Bonnie let me know that her niece, Jen Chapin will be singing at the Turning Point tomorrow and there would be a seat for me if I’m interested.  YES!!! I’ve been listening to Jen’s music even before I made the Chapin connection- her dad was Harry. I know you don’t really know who that was, but you have listened to Jen’s music and I think you liked her. Not sure.  Maybe you just said something nice to make me feel better that I was pushing my music on you and you weren’t miserable.  Not sure.

But I’m excited.  When I asked Bonnie if I might meet her, she looked at me like I was crazy. ” Of course, she’s my niece.”  You know I get intimated around ” stars”.

It was great to share a breakfast with Bonnie and Julia.  We didn’t talk much about books but caught up on our lives instead.  Julia’s love life sounds perfect!

Then I was off to a hair appointment and after a few hours, Elyse had me looking put together again- what do you think? (Picture above)

Masis assembled a new lamp for me as I was getting my makeover and yes, it sounds like my life is coming back to itself, and you are probably breathing a sigh of relief.   Hey, not so fast.  I am just in the beginning of this grieving process.

One thing I did realize yesterday, and it’s important.   I am not interested in living the  gypsy life again.  I don’t want to live in two spaces.  I am anchored here, in the house with you and I miss you more when I’m away.  So at least for now, this house that we shared exclusively for the last two years will be my primary residence.  Okay?  Yes, I know you’re happy about that.

After a great walk and catch up with Tara about her experiences with Gates world and a good cup of coffee I had one more event – Shabbat dinner in Hoboken. With Ami still here Leora, Ron and I met at Ami’s  and as I navigated on rainy highways, I sobbed all the way without having you by my side and I realized something else- I am covered in a layer of sadness, no, I’m coved in a layer of  T and  you know, I embrace it, of course!

Yes, it was wonderful being with the family.  Leora needed to share some Grey Goose and cran   with me as she unloaded about her challenges in the corporate world.  Each of us offered her our love and support and  our different thoughts about how she takes on the MAN!  Not easy being an adult.  But you would be very proud of her, amazing to hear her talk about you and how important you were to her, how important Mia and Mihael are to her.  Her family matters to her.  Hey, she wants to take a trip with me to Cuba.  Imagine, the two of us in Cuba.

So this is a long one T- a lot to chew on.  I am trying to be out in the world.  I’m trying not to make it all about me missing you, but in the silence of the rest of my life, you are with me, just the two of us and I’m happy to have you close. There’s a layer of you enveloping me and yes, I want to you to stay right with me, even I’m crying for you to return to the seat to my left.

I will love  you forever,

Bonnie S.

By the way,  see those two pictures of you/us? They are now the wallpaper on my iPhone. You are right there when I open the phone.  It feels right to have you right there.

3 thoughts

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