Morning T,

Still in bed at 7 but not far from my computer and I’m taking the advice of Diane Keaton from one of our all-time favorites- Something’s Gotta Give, by moving into the middle of the bed.  Feels good  but no matter where I put myself last night my mind was up and wild with activity and it was silent in the room, my solo world without you to bounce ideas around.  Time never seemed to matter when we shared the bed.  I was up, you were up, we talked no matter when.

Yesterday I went house hunting. No, I’m not making any big decisions now.  I’m loving the house and getting reacquainted with my apartment. But I have all the emotional energy pushing me to create something fresh for my solo future.

So I began in the morning with new pal, real estate agent Richard, ready to view three apartments in the Clermont, all with river views, all gorgeous, all expensive.  We enjoyed imaging how each might work for me but hey, I was just in fantasy land because the prices all over $550, with taxes around $16,00 and monthly  common charges over $600 that  would land me in the house poor category. But yes, on a sunny October morning it was fun, a lot more fun than my afternoon at the Wanaque 55+ community.

Last Friday when I described Wanaque on the Preserve to Leora, she was totally negative about the idea that I move to a retirement community.  “You’re too cool, too young for a retirement community.”  I  wasn’t convined until I experienced the place for myself.  She was right.

Joy came along with me and it forever to get there.  If you were sitting next to me you would have been ready to jump out of the car and head back to civilization.   And then if I could have convinced you to be patient and we had walked into the clubhouse  together, you would have been out to door with just one scan of the place.  Older women in groups were playing cards and knitting. A nightmare stereotype came alive.  It’s not to say that it might not look more inviting down the road but now, that’s not for me. No one was working on digital media, that’s for sure.   The apartments were very large,  larger than I need and they were all the same-  in three cookie cutter models.  Don’t worry, it’s off the list.

I’m not moving away from the life I love but my low stakes apartment hunting is a wonderful distraction.  As I look around I still return to m own place smiling. Maybe what I really need is a way to deal with difficult winter months.  Too bad our Cancun Excellence doesn’t have condos to rent.

As we got closer to Paramus yesterday,  both of us were hungry and I haven’t been back to the Suburban Diner since you left.  My choice was fine with Joy and of course everyone wondered where you were and I was honest. I had so use the word “died” to make them fully accept that you were not returning. They were shocked and sad and couldn’t be nicer. I wasn’t surprised, you?  We were regulars.  I hope I can keep going back for both of us.

Back home  Jane, Ron, and Tara helped me digest my disappointment with Wanaque.   Yes, my love I have support.  I’m not closing myself off to mourn you alone  and no, I’m not moving back to the sticks.  I love the life we’ve created and will continue to live it and love it for both of us.

There continues to be a touch of red just outside the house.  Is that your doing?

Love you always,

Bonnie S.