Letters to Tuvia #54: Sorry, I can’t wait (10-18-15)

 

Happy Sunday T,

I’m waiting for this football game to end- still in the last few minutes of the 3rd quarter.  You learned more about football than you ever wanted to know just “patiently waiting for 60 Minutes as we ate dinner,  remember?

I’m back at my place tonight.  Just lit a fire, heated up 1/2 a roasted chicken and some steamed veggies from the market at bottom of the hill.  That place has become my go-to spot, even if it is a bit more expensive than Shoprite.  I won’t do a major shopping there, I promise.

I’m writing tonight because I can’t stop myself.   My grieving is starting to become logical, almost predictable.

Here goes:

I was up and out early.  It was a beautiful ride into the city and yes, I cried all the way without having you by my side as I raced down route 4, breezed across the GW bridge and slowed down intentionally to enjoy an almost empty West Side Highway with riders and runners out, on both sides of me.  We all missed YOU!

I parked on 46th at our usual lot, just me and another woman, and realized that the restaurant Ricki selected was right at the corner and I was very early.  Too bad I didn’t think to call them.  They were just waiting for our meet up time to get to the place. I pulled out my Kindle, accepted coffee and waited.  Ricki and Asher arrived before Jonathan and Lisa and we were able to talk.  They were so loving, so kind and so missing you.  Ricki felt that she lost another “father”, and that was how so many of your circle felt about you because of the caring and support you offered as a doctor and friend. Funny, I never saw you as a father-figure :).

It was wonderful being with them, sharing memories and planning for my visit to Israel in January. Turns out that Jon will be back when I’m there as well. YES!

But then I was back in my car and the tears began to flow even as I spoke with my dad, with Ami, and with Jane.  I’m good with activity but on my own, my grief is deep and wild.

I spent time today in my apartment deciding on a movie- ultimately selecting The Walk  the movie version of the documentary, Man on Wire.  We saw that together in Tenafly and I can’t remember if you liked it or not.  I know that I loved it- his passion and commitment and courage to walk across the Twin Towers. Maybe even more  so because I am so afraid of heights and he made it look so beautiful.  The new movie doesn’t disappoint.  The Walk is gorgeous and even though the actor who plays Phillipe is American and even though his French accent doesn’t sound completely authentic it didn’t matter.

But without you next to me, enjoying the renovated theater- now everyone sits in a  Lazyboy, complete with recliner for legs and body. Yes, it does make it even harder for me to stay awake and yes, I did miss just a bit, but not much.

You know,  I’ve seen many movies before you on my own,  but in the last 20 years not too many without you and this move back  to solo was difficult.   It’s hard, very hard my love, without you.  Sorry, I know you don’t want me to feel this way but if roles were reversed I know you would feel the same.

Another day is coming to an end without you. Another Sunday night with new episodes of our favorite TV shows will be playing without you and  my watching them feels just okay.  Everything right now feels just okay, sometimes not even okay.  Sometimes I’m just gong through the motions, trying not to cry.  Well the movie did make me tear up and those tears were from the joy of THE WALK!

Miss you so much,so much,

Bonnie S.

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8 thoughts

  1. Let just okay be good enough. As I read this 60 Minutes plays in the background while I wait for Madame Secretary, too. A fire sounds lovely, we aren’t cold enough for that yet. Thinking of you!

  2. Oh Bonnie, As I read about your day of missing, I too felt tears stream down my cheeks. It’s very hard without the love of your life next to you, very hard, yet we keep going forward…knowing each day still is precious…even through the tears.

  3. It’s the bits and pieces of life that seem so empty when you are by yourself. Terry and I have talked about what it would be like if one of us was not there to enjoy the mundane. We’ve recently had the conversation about where each of us would live if the other left. There is much to consider, just as you are currently doing.

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