Letters to Tuvia#70 Raw (11-4-15)

Evening T,

This could have been the hardest day yet Tuv R.  But then I was sure I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet. I know that you don’t want me to feel this way but then that’s what you get for making the last 20 years so hard to live without.

It could have been a good day. It was another glorious late Fall day right from the start. I was up and out early. Anthony fit me in for a 7:45 workout session  I was on time and ready to meet his challenges, that was until he casually asked what I had planned for the weekend.  I was hit with a T wave and choked up on the verge of a tearful breakdown and couldn’t speak much for the rest of our workout.  I exercised hard but I was raw,  so close to the edge of despair, so unprepared.

I knew that Anthony felt helpless and tried to support me with one of his strong hugs but I was gone into my head, into my heart, longing to have you back.

Back outside and in the private confines of my car I was relieved to let the tears come even though  I could hear something scrapping under the front end. I stopped at the garage at the  bottom of my hill hoping that they could take me ASAP for car care and and oil change. 

 In the midst of this fit of loss I was glad to sit quietly with my fellow customers waiting for car news, all in our Kindles with life interrupted for an hour.

Back home Dana was already preparing to cleanse my apartment. With a clean bill of car health I arrived to find activity in my apartment.   She loved my new bedding and had great suggestions for curtains that we would pick out together after lunch at the Cheesecake Factory.

 All good right?  Yes, except for me, distracted and teary. Good that Dana kept me distracted.

More mall activities to come with Marie France- a movie(I slept well in my Lazyboy) and dinner- loved my Persecco.

It was exhausting today trying to  take on the world without you, hanging on at the edge of rhe abyss your absence has created.

Miss you T,

Bonnie S.




5 thoughts

  1. Another friend of mine who had a loss about the time my husband died and I talked often in those first months, less later but I’m still touching base with her once in a while. She told me that the surprising thing was that the ‘little’ pieces were the hardest. She might be in a grocery store & the music started playing a favorite song of her loved one. She just fell apart, but somewhat rarely did she find it hard to talk about the bigger things. I’m telling you because it feels like you are thinking these things shouldn’t happen, like that question about the weekend with your trainer. And, I hope this helps, they will, & it’s okay that you crumble. Each of us is so different. My thoughts of Arvie come in the seemingly oddest moments, & now I don’t crumble anymore, but miss him a lot & smile because I had the memory. Hugs, Bonnie for some good moments tomorrow.

  2. Your ahhh above is devastating to your mind and soul. I don’t have experience with the kind of deep loss you are living, but I can imagine how difficult life is to carry on with your partner of twenty years missing. You make me appreciate all the moments I have with those near and dear to me. I don’t want to regret missed opportunities. I don’t think you missed any opportunities to have a rich life with Tuvia. You were blessed for twenty years.

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