Letters to Tuvia #72 Tears Close to the Surface (11-6-15)


Dear T,

I’ve been itching to write to you all day and I just couldn’t do it on my Iphone.  Sorry, I need a full keyboard and stupidly, I refused to lug my computer.  Stupid, I know.

The new phase I’m living in has brought my tears right to the forefront and I’m working hard to control the flood.  I know it’s a new thing for me, this crying without the darkness of a movie theater.

But here I am accepting, trying to accept the fact that I will never see you again, not in the flesh. Sure, I am open to any dream sightings you wish.  But here, in my real world, I’m going to accept the fact that I’m on my own, right?

So I’ve been crying full blown at the reality of what that loss really means.

One good thing in all this reality is that I’ve been loving my apartment.  I’ve been spending my nights here since Sunday, almost a week away from the house.  Sure, I miss being there but I’ve been loving this space again after our move back to the house for the last few years.

How strange that we didn’t think twice about our gypsy life, moving back and forth- Mondays and Wednesdays separate in our own spaces, Tuesdays and Sundays in my place and Thursday- Saturday in yours.  It made total sense to us.  But now, without you here with me, eventually I will be here in my space full time, but not quite yet.   I can’t shut the door on where we’ve lived together for the last two years.  It’s  full blown YOU!

I spent the day with Jack and his great team of teachers at Dover moving in and out of classrooms, documenting their work and interviewing them.  I was up and out early and back in Rockland in time for a beauty appointment even if you weren’t there to check it out for yourself.  I haven’t stopped caring about me.

Then a wonderful dinner created by Jane with lots of leftovers that you would have loved to share with us.  They are stepping up, T. willing to be my emergency calls if needed.  Not surprised, right?  We have good friends.

I am not crying right now but it wouldn’t take much to turn the faucets back  on.   Damn, I miss sharing this day with you- my time at Dover, my new hair do and of course dinner with Jane and Michael.

This is hard, so hard, my love.

Bonnie S.

3 thoughts

  1. I don’t know your friends, but assume these are the friends you wrote about today in the picture with Tuvia, and it’s a beautiful picture memory, all of them smiling at you Bonnie. I hear you, another hard day, but I also hear some nice things, like enjoying your apartment. Hugs to you, hope that it doesn’t get too cold. The weather has changed, but now warmer by Sunday.

  2. I am hearing nice things too- the things that will bring you out of this grief darkness. Your apartment, your connection to work, your friends, and the fact that you still care to make that hair appointment. Well done, my friend.

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