Evening  T,

I had good healthy plans for today.  I would be up and out to New Platz then swing out to Ellenville for a late lunch with my dad but there was more defrosting to deal with first.

With the realization that you are simply not coming back ever, this morning I woke up to that new normal in real time.

                         YOU ARE NOT COMING BACK, EVER!

As I sat on my couch early this morning and realized that first, I couldn’t get to New Paltz for the morning Saturday Seminar and then I couldn’t sit across from my dad at lunch with tears flowing and that I didn’t have the energy to drive up and down the Thruway, I had to deal with me here in real time.

I made some calls and texted for human contact with friends and family, I lit a log in the fireplace, I put on Something’s Gotta Give, I had another cup of coffee.

AND I STARTED CRYING, REALLY CRYING and at this point I could cry on a dime.

I know you don’t want to hear any of this.  I know you want me to move over this stage of mourning but I can’t.  I can only move through it and yes, I have lots of help and love.

BUT…

I am anchoress; I’ve lost the center of my life.  The hole you  left behind will not be easy to fill but for now I will just cry your loss, my emptiness.

But here’s something sweet:

When  I opened my computer today  I found an email surprise from Lee Spivak planning to see   Perfect timing, don’t you think?

Last summer, our trip to Vermont for the Lee/Sadie wedding. Remember? Seems so long ago. The start of our last year together- as wonderful a year as all the other years.

Missing you in a sea of tears,

Love,

Bonnie S.