Evening T,
I had good healthy plans for today. I would be up and out to New Platz then swing out to Ellenville for a late lunch with my dad but there was more defrosting to deal with first.
With the realization that you are simply not coming back ever, this morning I woke up to that new normal in real time.
YOU ARE NOT COMING BACK, EVER!
As I sat on my couch early this morning and realized that first, I couldn’t get to New Paltz for the morning Saturday Seminar and then I couldn’t sit across from my dad at lunch with tears flowing and that I didn’t have the energy to drive up and down the Thruway, I had to deal with me here in real time.
I made some calls and texted for human contact with friends and family, I lit a log in the fireplace, I put on Something’s Gotta Give, I had another cup of coffee.
AND I STARTED CRYING, REALLY CRYING and at this point I could cry on a dime.
I know you don’t want to hear any of this. I know you want me to move over this stage of mourning but I can’t. I can only move through it and yes, I have lots of help and love.
BUT…
I am anchoress; I’ve lost the center of my life. The hole you left behind will not be easy to fill but for now I will just cry your loss, my emptiness.
But here’s something sweet:
When I opened my computer today I found an email surprise from Lee Spivak planning to see Perfect timing, don’t you think?
Last summer, our trip to Vermont for the Lee/Sadie wedding. Remember? Seems so long ago. The start of our last year together- as wonderful a year as all the other years.
Missing you in a sea of tears,
Love,
Bonnie S.
There is no timetable for grief and mourning. Please be kind to yourself, Bonnie. Give yourself the time you need.
Ahhh… yes. That’s the easy part of this.
I am thinking of you.
Blessed for your friendship
Dear Bonnie,
My heart is with you.
Thanks MaryHelen
Reality sucks! Hugs, Bonnie.
Big time!
Thought of you all day Bonnie, wondering if you were going out, what you were doing. Hugs to you on another tough day.
Sending love from San Diego… Writing through your grief will help others deal with grief–thanks for sharing the hard time too.
Kim