I had good healthy plans for today. I would be up and out to New Platz then swing out to Ellenville for a late lunch with my dad but there was more defrosting to deal with first.
With the realization that you are simply not coming back ever, this morning I woke up to that new normal in real time.
YOU ARE NOT COMING BACK, EVER!
As I sat on my couch early this morning and realized that first, I couldn’t get to New Paltz for the morning Saturday Seminar and then I couldn’t sit across from my dad at lunch with tears flowing and that I didn’t have the energy to drive up and down the Thruway, I had to deal with me here in real time.
I made some calls and texted for human contact with friends and family, I lit a log in the fireplace, I put on Something’s Gotta Give, I had another cup of coffee.
AND I STARTED CRYING, REALLY CRYING and at this point I could cry on a dime.
I know you don’t want to hear any of this. I know you want me to move over this stage of mourning but I can’t. I can only move through it and yes, I have lots of help and love.
I am anchoress; I’ve lost the center of my life. The hole you left behind will not be easy to fill but for now I will just cry your loss, my emptiness.
But here’s something sweet:
When I opened my computer today I found an email surprise from Lee Spivak planning to see Perfect timing, don’t you think?
Last summer, our trip to Vermont for the Lee/Sadie wedding. Remember? Seems so long ago. The start of our last year together- as wonderful a year as all the other years.
Missing you in a sea of tears,