I tried to move out of the sadness, out of the darkness and into the light today. Are you wondering what I’m taking about? Do I sound too New Agey? During my last therapy session Sandie challenged me to try and move into the light and honestly, that sounded good to me. I’ve been crying a lot is last week and even though I had friends around me and I had lots of activities, I was still more sad than… not sad. I tried to find the light.
Yesterday after a good workout with Anthony I headed up to Ellenville to finally see my dad and family for lunch. It was sweet to see Eliana and her mom and grandma interact my dad, my brother, Steve. And then I was off for an overnight at Andrea’s and that was all about fun- eating, drinking, talking and sleeping through the Democratic debate.
All good so far? YES!!!
Sunday arrives and I am up early, basking in the sunshine as I head back to Paramus to stop at Harolds so Jeff will have the correct ingredients to make his own chopped liver for Thanksgiving. Everything neatly placed in the freezer and I have a perfect plan to see the hot new movie, Spotlight showing at the Garden State Plaza. I love seeing new films on their weekend opening and I am feeling almost normal as I grab my Kindle, keys and jacket and hit the empty Sunday highways to make my way to a film that would probably blow me away. All good still!!!!
I arrive and park just outside the theater entrance, get a ticket from the new state the art credit card ticket machine and then select a pair of seats we often selected. I take your aisle seat and use my seat for my jacket and bag. All good still. I spend a few minutes reading a few pages of, Me Before You until the theater goes dark and previews begin. Still good…
Fnally the movie begins and I am instantly engaged by the ensemble of excellent actors focusing on the events leading up to the Boston Globe’s uncovering of the sexual abuse and cover up of priests in the Catholic church. I remember reading a short article years ago about this issue when it was buried in the back an issue of the NY Times. I remember reading the article out loud to you and we both wondered why it didn’t make it to the front page. Soon it was everywhere. Remember?
Still good… great even… and then without any notice I start feeling restless, looking over to your empty chair, reaching out for your hand, wondering how you might be feeling about this movie and staring into the darkness. What’s going on? I have been to movies without you and no explosion, but now as I watch a piece that had your name all over it, I feel breathless, ready to bolt but I don’t. I start breathing deeply, letting the tears come but keeping my focus on the screen, on the unfolding of this engaging story and missing you completely.
And it doesn’t stop as I leave the theater, find my car and get myself back to the house. I can’t escape the sadness, the longing for our post-movie conversations we would have had in the car, to the house, inside the house, everywhere.
I am without my center, T. and I am in your space feeling your absence and I want to feel good being there but I can’t. I freak a bit and start texting and calling friends: Tara, Jane, Nancy. I get responses but somehow my call to Jane opens my flood gates and within 20 minutes she is back to me with an adapted dinner plan that allows for me to join the party and damn did I need that invitation.
I tried to take on Sunday but I just couldn’t do it alone. I tried to come back to myself, but I’m not quite there full time. I’d say I deserve A for effort. What do you think?
It’s hard to be in this world without you. That’s what I know for sure.
Love you forever,