Letters to Tuvia#86 What’s going on with me? #sol15 (11-24-15)

Morning T,

There was a time when I didn’t have favorite days of the week but without you here life’s so different.  Sunday seems to be is the hardest day-family day, couples day, everyone else slows down.  If I’m not up and out quickly to the gym etc.  I can fall into a deep sadness just sitting on a chair watching the usual Sunday news shows.  But Monday is my salvation-a new week begins and I’m breathing freer and ready for anchoring  appointments- guitar lessons with Jon, therapy in the afternoon with Sandie.  I move from lows to highs- a Tuvia-inspired roller coast.

I’m coming back to myself now but it’s a very slow process, a process I can’t control.  I just have to live it and the mourning T-waves are unpredictable and even just trying to live in the moment I can be hit so hard without preparation- the tears can start flowing instantly and I am powerless to stop them.  Just walking around my apartment, getting to know it again, memories of you flash by and I’m waiting for your call or ready to click on your name on my iPhone and I stop.

Me here without you doesn’t make sense to me.  You’re close but not and even so, my life continues and that feels wrong.  I spent a great evening with James in the City.  I’m back in my car after our Turkish dinner and I want to share it with you and I can’t, my car isn’t even headed for Paramus.  It just doesn’t feel right.  I’m in my life, living it well with my good go-to friends and you aren’t here to make it all right.  I am crying now as your wave overtakes me…

Life isn’t right without T, no matter how I try to come back to normalcy.

It’s just not,

Miss you with all my heart,

This is how much I miss you


Bonnie S.

12 thoughts

  1. Thinking of you as Thanksgiving rolls around. Wishing I could tell you the roller coaster will stop, but not having gone through the loss you have I can’t. All I can say is that a great many people out there care and are with you if only in their thoughts,

  2. I remember the day my mother finally came to a clear realization that my father wasn’t going to be coming through the door any more. I have trouble reading your letters because they bring me such sadness to know that such a day is in the future for one of us. I may not comment always, but I am thinking of you. When you are in this community for so long, it feels like family. I send you hugs today, and pray for fewer roller coaster valleys. These will be changed holidays ahead; stay close to family and friends.

  3. I remember when you wrote to your friend after her death. It moved me. Now, years later, when I have learned to know you more through your words, I couldn’t bring myself to visit your blog, afraid of the deepness of the sorrow. I have been selfish. I haven’t forgotten. You have been on my mind. I apologize for staying away. I am sorry. Life will never go back to completely normal after a loss of a loved one. It will gain back colors. I hope the letters help you heal.

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