Sorry it’s taken me so long to share the last few days with you. I tried, but I just couldn’t get further than the first paragraph and that was rewritten many times. I just needed a writing break, or I’ve just been too miserable, navigating through the start of this holiday season without you. Take your pick!
It’s not that family and friends didn’t reach out to me. The did in a BIG way. Yes, Thanksgiving was tough but Jeff and Marla, the kids, grandkids, extended family- everyone walked around me with gentle smiles. I just didn’t see your smile.
Funny, when you first left us one of my old students sent me this and it was reassuring… “Death is nothing at all…”
Now, 3 months later, I got it again for another sweet student but I’m in real time now. Oh yes, death is something devastating to the survivors, to me. Out of sight, is almost everything, almost. Sure I’m writing to you, thinking about you, but no you aren’t answering and our life together was all about communication, touch, passion, union.
Yes, I’m trying to forge ahead, create a new life even though I was totally happy with the old one. So I’m kicking and screaming for you and then pulling myself together, heading for the car, walking with Tara, selecting the latest James Bond movie to escape my sadness for a few hours. You would have HATED this last installment even with one of your favorites as the heavy- Christoph Waltz.
For me it was a lifeline. By the time it ended, it was dark outside, the roads were calmer and dinner was served up by the small grocery at the bottom of my hill.
I’m home now. Weekend is over and I am ready for the Sunday night TV lineup with guitar and therapy as the anchors of my Monday routine.
God, T. I can’t tell you how much I miss you and how hard I’m trying to make sense of my life.
PS Rosie is not doing well. Ron, Zehava and I went to visit her on Saturday and sorry, but I don’t think I can go back to see her again. Stage 4 lung cancer is destroying her. Thank God you left the way you did, with dignity, without too much suffering.