Letters to Tuvia #90 Lots to Think about Today (11-30-15)

 

Dear T,

I booked my first trip to Israel without you today and I immediately  sent out an email to our friends and family share the news and hope that we can meet up.    Two weeks should make it a bit less hectic than our usual hectic  10 day experience.  It is nice to have the power over time away.  Of course, just say the word that you’ll be back and I’ll be happy to move back to 10.

As you know the last few days were really difficult for me. Sunday is still the hardest day of the week,  but with a therapy session set for  Monday, hey, I get to make sense of  what many refer to a massive wave of grief. Actually, it’s no wave T but more like a tsunami that overtakes me mentally and physically,weighing me down, in the throes of despair.

Yesterday it happened at the house- as I allowed myself to be enveloped in your aroma.   I was punched in the gut,  left wondering how I would ever be happy without you. Of course, I knew better than to sit there too long.  A few deep breathes and I was up and out of the house and off to movies.

As I debriefed the experience with Sandie she had some great strategies.  For one, she’s hoping that next time this tsunami hits,  I have my computer close by and I can write about it in the moment. Because this is a physical experience as well, I promised that I would sustain my efforts to work through it-take more time consciously breathe deeply before I race for the car to escape.

I’m sure you understand what I’m going through; you went through your own grieving when you lost Lydia  and you didn’t have Sandie to help you make sense of your experiences.

As usual, I left her office feeling better and clearer than I did when I walked in.

Guitar this morning, a booked trip to Israel,  Joy for company at lunch, Sandie in the afternoon.

I needed today, really needed a day without a tsunami.  Sure, I woke up in tears and more flowed effortlessly during the day but that’s okay. I’m missing  you.  I want to miss you.

Love you T, with all my heart,

Bonnie S.

 

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15 thoughts

  1. Thanks for the Sandies in our world. Feeling better and clearer sounds good, and you know it can happen again and then again. Despite the deep feelings of despair, you are taking action which seems helpful, like finding friends for lunch and shopping, going to Minneapolis, and now planning for Israel. Hugs for this day of goodness, Bonnie.

  2. Brave is getting through the day and facing the next. I’m glad the writing is helping. Honored to sit beside you through your life process. You are so strong to push towards those who can help.

  3. Brave is not being afraid to seek help when it is needed. Glad you have someone and that you are moving on. It is good to know that Tuvia is there listening even though he can’t answer in the traditional way. He is smiling down and with you on every step of your journey.

  4. I’m glad you’ll be traveling to Israel. It will do you good to get away. I’m sure the memories of you and Tuvia there together will be hard, but I know you’ll still be able to enjoy yourself.

  5. I want to miss you… those words ring so true of grieving. It is a hard time to go through, yet we understand so deeply how blessed we were by that special person, and we are more horrified by the thought of not grieving than of feeling the hurt of grief.

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