Letters to Tuvia #101 Impossible without YOU (12-14-15)

Morning Tuv,

I can’t say enough about the support I’m getting from our families and friends-both face-to-face and virtually.  I can’t imagine moving through this enormous life challenge without my team rooting me on as I get used to life without you by my side.

Take for example this past weekend:

For many years you and I have taken on the weekday NYC crowds to visit the Tree at Rockefeller Center.  At first I was surprised that you were even interested in the City at Christmas, but of course, it had nothing to do with the religious aspect of the celebration. For you it was the event, the beauty of New York’s  seasonal transformation.

We often parked the car on the west side, on 57th and walked over or taxied over to 5th.  We could always find someone nearby to capture us in the middle of the chaotic fun.  We stayed just long enough for you.  Usually we moved in and out quickly and on the way back to the car found a funky cafe for a meal.

On Saturday I joined the family to enjoy the city in December 2015.  The TREE wasn’t the center of anyone else’s attention and I went with the flow.   I caught a shot as we moved in the crowded streets, viewing the shop windows to satisfy  Adi’s design passion.  The kids had their time at Bryant Par, ice skating with Leora, but there was a moment when Ami and I breathed you in as we reminisced and teared up at the empty chair between us. You were never far.

We took a long walk back to the bus at Port Authority, as darkness fell and the lights made the city feel even more magical.  I know that you would never have had the patience or energy to walk that far and of course we would have been back home much sooner.  I would have loved being with you of course but I also loved hiking  with the family.  If I fell behind Mia and/or Mihael would instantly reach for my  hand.  Are you beaming? Yes, your family is my family as we arrived home to light candle #7.

Sunday was the toughest day of the week, as usual. Ami, Adi and I  had an early-morning meet-up with Clever at the house to walk through and determine what work would need to be done before the house could be put up for sale.  Ami was sensitive, reminding me that it would be on my timeline, want left right for me,  but then I’ve been moving away on my own, gearing up for this tough farewell to our physical life together.

One more tough visit- the cemetery.  I haven’t been back there since the funeral.  Once again, I had support and wondered when I would be back.  Should I visit more often out of respect to you?

We said our goodbyes.  Ami and Adi were off to finish packing, preparing to return to Israel and I was off to Rockland, wondering how I could craft the rest of my day constructively.  I did feel like grabbing my bottle of vodka in the freezer.  NO, I didn’t do that!

Instead I made a few calls, sent a few texts and waited for someone to break the silence in the car.  And yes friends did and the vodka plan faded fast.  Sharon and Hilda would be hosting their group art show in Piermont, Bonnie C. was open for something in the late afternoon and hey, there’s  lots of movies to choose from.

There was balance to the day, T.  A rough morning, a movie instead of lunch- Trumbo, an afternoon of art and a Piermont walk and dinner with Bonnie and Dia. Finally, Back home for guitar practice and Sunday night TV that we loved to watch together.

What a life I’m riding through.  With support and planning I can do anything…

Bonnie S.

6 thoughts

  1. I’m glad you went into NYC for the holidays. Even though it’s not ‘our’ holiday, it is delightful to be in Manhattan at this time of year. There’s something very magical about the City in December.

    I’m glad you’re spending time with family. It’s so important, especially now.

  2. I would love to visit NYC at Christmas. Everyone seems to enjoy it so much. Glad you had a nice morning with the family who’re leaving, & then found others to spend the rest of the day with. Taking time saying goodbye to the house is a good thing, and you are fortunate to have support in making that happen when you are ready. When you start fixing certain things it will change the mood some, and that will help you let it go. It sounds like an up & down day, so hugs to you for making some ‘ups’ happen!

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