Letters to Tuvia#106 4 Months Gone (12-21-15)

Morning T

It’s the end of another month without you and I have no sense of time since we sat across from each other and I felt peaceful, watching you sip your first(last) cup of weak coffee as I stirred my favorite yogurt and life was ours.

At this moment, 4 months later, I am still  floating through life, keeping my days full, trying to find a new center.

Am I coming back to my life?  Not sure.

Yes, this life feels familiar.  I woke up yesterday on Jeff and Marla’s couch in the living room.  I know you are not happy about that, but I sleep well in that space and I had my pick of rooms and beds.

It was a sweet morning as I started the day with an egg scrambled by Jeff and conversation around the table that I know well. But I couldn’t reach for my phone to check in with you, keep you posted when you could expect me back. Instead, I packed up, said my goodbyes, stopped over at my dad’s to give him a kiss and return to my car to head for the house and my apartment. I selected my playlist with care opting  for Embrace.  I needed to with me and Laura seems to deliver you to me best.

Embraceable You, once, twice and you were with me even though I didn’t have your hand to hold, our ongoing conversation to keep me engaged.  I didn’t have enough of you but I did the best I could, feeling up with the spiritual you.

I had just enough time to stop at the house, make sure everything was still there, walk through our past life and continue to move my things- some bedding, photos.  I’ll be back soon with the empty boxes I keep in my garage. Remember one thing, I am doing this against my will, trying to cooperate with this new reality. I was happy to just continue with you at the kitchen table.

I couldn’t stay long.  It was too hard to be there on another beautiful Sunday and I had Christine and Jackie coming to meet me for a movie at the Burns and dinner back at La Fontana.

 Carol,  don’t feel left out.  You would have hated watching Kate Blanchet as a lesbian.  We weren’t crazy about this film either but more because it was just boring even though we are at odds with the critics who loved it. Oh well… dinner was much better than the movie.

And then I was back in my place. unpacking the bags of bedding I brought from the house, filling up drawers and closets with stuff, making my place feel more like home.  It’s not what I want to do but I’m figuring that you aren’t coming back after 4 months of absence. That realization is supposedly a healthy acceptance.

I don’t know.  I am not feeling better… I’m not embracing each day the way I did when I had you by my side. I am walking through my life now, trying to keep myself distracted from the ultimate sadness I feel.  Still, the glass isn’t half full or half empty, it’s just sitting there, waiting.. marking time until I come back.  I can’t say when I’ll be back.

Four months-

time is  passing

I am floating through it

For now it’s  just in  black and white

Without you.

Miss you, miss you everywhere it matters,

Bonnie S.

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