Letters to Tuvia #108 A New Life Kicking & Screaming (12-23-15)

Morning T,

I have a fire going at 6:30 am but it’s only for the mood.  No snow so far and on Christmas day we could be back in shorts and sandals without getting on a plane and heading to Cancun.

So just like me, the weather is out of sync.

Thanks to Facebook for providing the past for each day we’ve posted something and I have a lot of stored moments in words and images.

Here’s where we were last year on this day last year:

 

Tonight is the last night of Chanukah and I’m loving the sweet way Tuvia and I celebrate this festival of lights every night, in fact, tomorrow night I’m going to miss our routine. Simple and sweet. I say the prayers and light our menorahs. Tuvia’s small one came with him from Israel 40 years ago. Mine, more grand and newer has a much shorter history behind it, just my love of good crafts from a funky shop in Nyack, but we both love it.

 

And one year later I’m in a new life without you and I’m kicking and screaming and crying!   I am trying to make it work.    You can find lots of smiling pictures of me with friends and family and  yes, I enjoyed the moments.  I loved being out in my life with people who care about me. But when I get back into my car or my freshened apartment I can’t pick up the phone and share it with you.

 You aren’t here! 

Yesterday, with Sandie, we spent most of our session taking on that reality: crying, beating the cube with a tennis racket but mostly just lying on a couch and breathing deeply.  I know that sounds weird to you, but by the end of the session I felt amazingly energized and peaceful.

Mourning is exhausting and I don’t even realize it.  I don’t put it together that my lack of focus comes from my sadness that you aren’t here with me to celebrate life together.

Sandie will be away until February and   I promised I would take the time to consciously breathe deeply at least 5-10 times a day.  With the experience so fresh in my memory banks I have been breathing everywhere and yes, I feel better.

Wish you could be here to see me.  Wish you could be here and then I could just breathe with you.

Miss you today and every day!

Bonnie S.

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6 thoughts

  1. Out of sync is a perfect way to describe your life. You are finding your way through this new maze of life. Sorry that Sandie will be away for so long. 😦 Hugs to you on this day and every day.

  2. I’m glad you had some good support from Sandie, and ways to take care without her weekly time, Bonnie. I find that “discombobulated’ is a word I use about my feelings. After years of being together, the habits are so strongly attached to Arvie being there. I know it’s hard to break them, and also I’m not sure I want to. I hope my mirroring back some of the experiences helps. I know we are different, but just want to share that I’m listening and sending hugs for day by day making it through. And, yes, the weather is so strange!

  3. I understand when you say “mourning is exhausting.” I learned some sad news about a friend recently and trying to get my head around it just isn’t working. Life is crap sometimes. Maybe if I breathe deeply. Blessings and love to you this holiday. I know it won’t take away the sadness, but hopefully you will smile in the knowledge that we care.

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