Merry Christmas to you and to our friends who keep reading and supporting me as I work my way through this difficult year without you. I can’t tell you all how much your kindness means to me. So thanks today and every day.
I woke up ready to embrace the day. I had lots of garbage to throw out and as the sun rose I was out in my pjs and slippers dumping boxes. I knew I had time to stop at the house on the way to Hoboken for a movie and dinner with Ron and Leora.
But I wasn’t prepared for you…
I enter the house and I breathe you in and my entire being welcomes you and I wonder how I can keep you inside me. I open the coat closet and grab at your familiar winter coat, that’s just waiting for you to need it when we finally need winter coats. I inhale you again.
I walk up the stairs and it’s cold in the house even though we are in record warmth outside and i wonder why I’m feeling so sad, as my face fills with tears. Why was it so much easier yesterday?
Over the last 4 months I have come to live with my tears, so crying doesn’t get in the way. I don’t need one of your tissues. I keep moving to my room, opening drawers, filling boxes with computer equipment, jewelry, bits and pieces of my stuff. Way too much stuff for you but you learned to tolerate my collecting.
I find a good sturdy bag for my shoes in the bedroom and once again I stop to embrace the shirts and jackets that once covered you. I keep breathing you in.
I keep wishing I didn’t have to do any of this. I keep hoping that you will call me from the kitchen to announce that my coffee is ready, to talk about the movie we will see together for Christmas, to just embrace me.
But there’s only silence.
As the house becomes less and less us, I weep, I tremble, I wonder what I’ll be doing next year on this day without you.
I gather up the boxes and bags and bring them all down to entrance and realize that it’s easier to leave them at the door and load them into the car on my way home from Hoboken.
I linger. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to stay.
But the day isn’t over. There’s still activities ahead with Leora and Ron and in my sadness I know that they will embrace me. I ride on empty roads to Hoboken almost missing the entrance because I get to the spot too quickly. I meet Leora at the apartment and we leave Ron home. He is excited about the dinner he will create for us. Leora and I walk to the movies and we enjoy the leisurely stroll we can take without winter temperatures.
Joy! I need some of that but it’s the movie we are set to see. The first movie that is. Leora has a plan that she begins to share with me as she pulls out a bottle of wine that we will drink in the last row of the theater as the theater darkens. What? I know what you are thinking…
I’m not sure about the wine on a practically empty stomach in a movie theater and soon we are surrounded by people on both sides, everywhere and Leora starts open the wine as the movie begins and she’s having trouble with the corkscrew but I can’t help her. I secretly hope she can’t get the bottle opened, but with lots of determination she uncorks her bottle of Bourgueil and pulls out plastic wine glasses and a bag of pretzel bites filled with peanut butter, a special effort for me to feel better.
I don’t feel right about drinking in a movie theater, but I can’t say no to Leora, so I down a small glass, and another and she takes care of the rest of the rest during this movie and a second one that she insists we sneak into- The Big Short. I know, you’re shaking your head. Yes, I let Leora corrupt me. It was fun and very sweet.
And back home Ron is excited about his latest dinner masterpiece and it’s wonderful that both of them have gone out of their way for me.
Another crazy day of extremes.
One thing’s for sure, you, my love are missed. Leora is feeling your absence and I bring you back to her.
Wish you were here, Tuvia Rosenberg,
Sent from my iPhone