Letters to Tuvia #113: Still pushing Me (12-28-15)

Evening T,

You notice that picture of you above?  It’s now the first thing I see every time I open my phone.  I rotate pictures of you, of us.  I hold on to one or two until I can’t take handle them anymore and need to switch to something fresh.  This image makes me grin back at you as I try to find my way without you, when I don’t really want to.

I’m still sleep-walking in black and white, missing the colors of us.

I made it through another weekend with its highs and lows that I have come to find an unpredictable routine.

My new exercise machine arrived on Saturday morning and I’m loving it. I rode up and back to Ellenville yesterday to have lunch with my dad and Martin and it was fun.

IMG_9565

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Dana is coming tomorrow to help me make order in my last room of chaos as I sift through the stuff of our life together, throwing away less than you would.

One wonderful thing that’s happening to me is that I don’t let the tsunami of sadness hold me down if I can get up and move.  I try and break up the day with activity.

Today I was back in one of the new mall theaters, made for movie lovers with space to stretch out.  Today I watched a movie that tormented me because it was one that you would have loved- not for its subject matter( one of the first transgender men- The Danish Girl) but for the power of good storytelling, a fantastic cast and masterfully handling an important issue without making it  titillating, that would have made you uncomfortable.  I had trouble being there without you, but I stayed awake and in my recliner in stocking feet.

And tonight, after an interesting chat with Ron, I pushed myself to get up, change my clothes and head out, even with the threat of freezing rain coming, for a Tom Chapin concert at the Turning Point in Piermont. I’m so glad I did as I sat with Bonnie and her daughters, both now very pregnant and one of their husbands.

Of course I loved it, but once again, I couldn’t help but remember concerts there with you, remembering tables we shared with Bonnie and others, remembering how we sat together and even though this was never your music, you could let yourself go for me.  By the way,  you would have loved spending time with Bonnie and the family and then listening to their songs when they joined Tom.

So yes, life still continues to be a mixed bag  for me.  I know I need to be patient, but even though I have good plans for New Year’s Eve, can you imagine how hard this that evening will be without you by my side?

Ugh, this is so hard, Tuvia Rosenberg.

Miss you,

Bonnie S.

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2 thoughts

  1. Sometimes it feels like it’s the expectations that challenge, the expectation to spend the time together (in small and big ways) as always, and now, not a chance. You described it so well, Bonnie, that ‘black and white, missing the colors of us”. Lovely and poignant. I’m happy that even when the tsunami’s hit, you can get up and change the action, to go somewhere, be with someone. That’s good, maybe it won’t always happen, but it seems likely that it will. Glad you are being with friends, and getting specific help when needed, like with the sorting of the ‘stuff’. I love the picture of Tuva, can see why you do, too. Hugs for the week, and for greeting the new year.

  2. Every day of this first year will be traveling a road you never imagined. Fortunately you are learning where the hazards are so you can take a detour. Hugs to you every day. We are beginning our drive to CA today, hoping that the roads are cleared from the past weekend storms.

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