Evening T,
I am up in Ellenville for a visit with the family. Rick arrived in the US for a short business trip and came up for lunch today Manda, Steve and the baby are here for the weekend and as you know I’m off to Israel next weekend so timing was perfect to sleep over.

Here’s some family candids:

Yes, it’s been good T.  The caring continues. and with a few hours between lunch and dinner, while Eliana napped, I opened my computer and went to work on my Joy 2015 video I went to work.  I’m organizing photos, listening to the music Kevin wrote for the piece, sorting out captions and getting comfortable with some new software plugins.  I’m trying to find my way back to the work I love- good, right?

It’s easy, once I’m engaged in one video piece to click around to others and yes, I started watching the interviews I made  with you, taking time out to sync your lips and voice. Maybe I should have been smarter  to stay away, but it was so natural to click and watch you.

Maybe I should have been smarter to stay away from the video I created to celebrate your birthday in October.  I haven’t watched it for months, probably not since October when I  was floating, not crying, not feeling anything yet. When I was still in shock, still frozen.

I didn’t cry today as I watched the video, once, twice… three times… but I was hit hard, knocked off my poise, my outward pose to the world, even to myself.  I thought for sure I’m making sense of your absence.

I’m not, not really.

I’m here and you are not.  The me in this world is not the me that I loved being for the last 20 years with you.

I don’t know if that makes any sense to you but as I watched you in my video and in the interviews,  I feel so far away from the me I was as an us that this life I’m trying to create without you seems fake.

Sorry, T.  I wish I had better news on the second day of 2016.

I wish you could come back to me,

Bonnie S.