Letters to Tuvia#132 Heading Home & Home(1-21-23-16)

Afternoon T,

I’m on a plane right now, flying home two days earlier than I had planned. Don’t shake your head in an I told you so… I’m not leaving early because I’m bored, or restless, or sad because you’re not here, and not because I overstayed my welcome.  I’m leaving to avoid the possible snow storm forecast for Saturday-Sunday and  just as I was ready to pay a $300+ change fee to get on an earlier flight, Ami suggested we wait until after dinner before making a decision.  Who wants to give the airlines any more money than they already don’t deserve, right?

By the time we finished coffee and Edna’s great cake and waited 17 minutes for a United airlines rep, a travel advisory had been issued and my girl Sarah was ready to be very helpful in making necessary changes for my travel safely.  I was hoping  to have one more day to  host Ami and Adi at Bellinis, my favorite restaurant, the one next to Suzanne Delal. I was hoping for one more afternoon to hang out with the kids  and  just  one last walk at the sea. But instead,  I took the first flight I could get complete with an aisle seat in economy +.

So as I kissed the stunned kids goodnight and shut the door to the guest room, and started to pack  moving  the heavier objects to my carry-on and actually leaving some of my new e-bags with Ami to bring with him next week when he’s back  to take care of his Hoboken work in person.  One checked bag these days and without extra room in your suitcase, I have to tighten my packing belt next time or pay an extra $100 for anything over 50 lbs.  Well next trip should be easier- back to our Mexico beach in the heat of March with Jane and Michael.

So what happened for the last two weeks away from home?

I think they were the best two weeks in the last 5 months and to think I got on the plane two weeks ago, nervous, wondering if I was making the right decision.   No surprise that Ami, Adi and the kids would bend over backwards for me  as did Edna and Mendi, my brother Rick, Earis, Maya, Mulick, Ricky and Asher, Jonathan and his parents, David and Varda(didn’t get to see them enough), Shimon, Ruti, May, Lee and family…

Two weeks in the family routine: up before 7 for coffee with Ami, or Adi, or myself with the  new puppy, Maggie, as Mihael and Mia slowly made their way to breakfast with iPads, doggie patrol and off to school.

I would sometimes race with them to dress and walk with Adi and drop  Mia at school and then we’d head to a neighborhood spot- remember the great one at the end of their street?  It’s still great for a long chat with good  food… Sorry, I rarely could get to grab up the check in time.

I didn’t often go off on my own for a walk.  I  have all the alone time and more, that I could possibly want back home.  Here, in the place I came to love with you, I had your family with me.  I had company 24/7 if I wanted it and I did.

Most of our days were filled with warm sunshine.  Most of our days were filled with conversations about you.  All of our days were filled with life in the present and I’m happy to report to you that the life they are craving out for themselves is a good one.  It’s one I hope to return to again and again.  The door is opened to more visits and I don’t see myself returning to stay in Sea Suites without you.   Ironically, our  stretch of beach is now under construction- rebuilding the edge of the sea the way they have built the walkway closer to Yafo.  Maybe on my return when it’s finished I’ll be back when it’s fresh.

So here’s where  I think I am in my grief process:

For the last two  weeks I didn’t cry much.  No tsunamis.  I’m not back to me yet.  I’m not ready to be back to me.  I’m still mourning us, but I’m feeling better, stronger, on my way to me with the love and support of my wonderful circle of friends and family.  I know that makes you smile. I know you’re worried about me.  I still don’t feel joy.  I’m not grinning.   I’m not attacking  life with vigor and excitement but I need  more time.

Fast Forward:

It’s 4:30 AM on the snowy, windy, blizzardy?  Saturday morning and I’m up- Jet Lag  won’t let me go, and I just made a fire after cleaning out mountains of ash from  the fireplace using your tried and true technique with a  twist of Bonnie, and I’m ready for my first cup of coffee.

The first snow storm without you for company  has begun.  You of course, after a few hours would be pushing me to break out and head for lunch and movie and me, the voice of reason, would be putting up a valiant fight to stay put, at least until the plows were out.  But that would have been at your place, and easier in snow. Here, on the mountain,   I won’t be moving out anytime soon unless we lose power. I have lots of food for the day, my phone is ready for conversation when someone else wakes up and  my bags are  unpacked, clothes are washed and put away- yes, that’s your influence.

In a month, after we celebrate my dad’s 95th, and Leigh’s Walk for MS,(don’t worry, I’m not climbing), I’ll be ready for the beach.  So good to get away. So good to have been away so many times with you that I couldn’t list them all. So good we had amazing life together that I’ll celebrate us for the rest of my life.

Bonnie S.


8 thoughts

  1. Wise decision to head home prior to the storm, even though you had to forgo fun plans. This was the best medicine for your soul. Hold on to those memories and feelings as you slip back into everyday life. So happy to read your thoughts. Stay warm and safe my friend.

  2. It seems that the NYC area has more snow than predicted. I’m so glad you made it back & are in and cozy. Your time with family & friends sounded so lovely, Bonnie, like a warm time, every day. What a blessing to have had this new journey, & make it through stronger, ready for what’s next. Hope this storm moves out quickly. I’m watching your governor talk about conditions right now. Hugs for a cozy day.

    • Andrew is a true phony politician, but for sure the storm is worse here than expected. So far it’s warm and toasty in my space. Fingers crossed that I don’t lose power. Chicken dish is cooking in the over. Great to be back here and begin to dram about my return to the beach in March.

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