Maybe today I will be free from Jet Lag, even just a remnant would be good. I’ve been in my Nyack cocoon above the Hudson since Friday afternoon. Yes, that’s right, by choice.
It’s been very restful and anchoring to be back home for my first serious snowstorm without you. I slept a lot, ate well. read, lit one dura flame log after the next, watched lots of weather news and caught up on lots of shows I had dvd’d. and we never lost phone service.
Home, filling up the calendar with meet-ups, careful with friends not to sound too needy, too demanding. I want to be present for them just the way so many have been present for me these last five months. Five months, I can’t tell if that’s been a long time or short time. Time is still off for me.
I could be coming back to my guitar today if Jon is able to get here. Hope the roads are clear. I want my fingers back on the strings, building up callouses again. I want to practice regularly even if it’s just for me now. I want to get back to some work. I want my smile back, my joy, my bursts of energy.
I’m hoping there’s a Bonnie who will smile back at me when I stand and stare at the face in my mirror. At the moment, I’m not sure who that woman is. She’s looking older. I hope there’s great version of me who can exist without you here.
I know you want that too, T. My grief is not the legacy you want for me. I know that.
Hope my first Monday back is a good one.
Miss you right now… miss you always,