Letters to Tuvia #134 Today Could be the Day (1-25-16)

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Flowers continue to come from you even if I’m the one picking them up. 

Morning T,

Maybe today I will be free from Jet Lag, even just a remnant would be good.  I’ve been in my  Nyack cocoon above the Hudson since Friday afternoon.  Yes, that’s right, by choice.

It’s been very restful and anchoring to be back home for my first serious snowstorm without you.  I slept a lot, ate well. read, lit one dura flame log after the next, watched lots of weather news and caught up on lots of shows I had dvd’d. and we never lost phone service.

Home, filling  up the calendar with meet-ups,  careful with friends not to sound too needy, too demanding.  I want to be present for them just the way so many have been present  for  me these last five months. Five months, I can’t tell if that’s been a long time or short time.  Time is still off for me.

I could be coming back to my guitar today if Jon is able to get here. Hope the roads are clear.  I want my fingers back on the strings, building up callouses again.  I want to practice regularly even if it’s just for me now.  I want to get back to some work.  I want my smile back, my joy, my bursts of energy.

I’m hoping there’s a Bonnie who will smile back at me when I stand and stare at the face in my mirror.  At the moment, I’m not sure who that woman is.  She’s looking older. I hope there’s great version of me who can exist without you here.

I know you want that too, T.  My grief is not the legacy you want for me.  I know that.

Hope my first Monday back is a good one.

Miss you right now… miss you always,

Bonnie S.

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10 thoughts

  1. You are peeling back the layers of Bonnie. Someday the face staring back will be a familiar face. This process takes time. Hang in there, your friends want to be there for you. Wish I lived closer.

  2. Sounds as if the snowstorm was a good thing for you as you returned to your life at home, Bonnie. I like that you enjoyed the fire and the reading, the snacks & the planning. I hope the jet lag is over, too, and roads are cleared & ready for you to take off soon. It would be lovely if we all lived in the neighborhood, could snowshoe right over!

  3. Sounds like the snow was a “gift” you needed to support your transition “back” to this snow covered side of the world. I hope today will be a day when you smile and know there are MANY of us who care for you and share your journey. It’s an interesting perspective to wonder, “What would T want me to do now?”

  4. Step by step, day by day, your life returns, new and different, but somewhere in there is the heart of you, and when you can rest there, you will be. I feel you growing stronger and clearer. Much love to you.

  5. I think it’s time for Bonnie to be wondering what would she would want to do for herself now. Good that the snow has whipped past- it will all be melted away this week they say!

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