My mourning ritual is back. I know you don’t want to hear this, but every morning as give up on sleep, put my bed back together for the day ahead, I feel my morning tears gently erupt. That’s how you join me each day-in sweet tears. Funny, they didn’t appear when I was in Israel with Ami and family. But then I leaped out of bed and raced down the stairs to join in their morning ritual with the new puppy and kids racing off to school. No time for tears. But now, back home over the Hudson, in the quiet, they’ve returned and I welcome you/them.
Arlene sent me the poem below as few days ago to remind me why we cry, why we should cry and not hold them back. I’m not ready to stop.
The morning ahead will be ripe to keep my watery flow strong. Soon I’ll dress, find my car in the parking lot and drive it down to my garage to clean out the trunk, making more space for my remaining “things” still at the house. Leaving your/our house has been so hard for me. I’ve been moving out at my own pace, with no pressure from anyone. Is been part of the sad process of saying goodbye to our life together. With you or unique life sharing two spaces just didn’t make sense without you. I can only live in one place and my Nyack cocoon has been patiently waiting for me to come home and you are here too, don’t worry. You and I are everywhere here.
Tara will be with me to get through this final step as the house will be prepped to show and sell. Soon a new family will make it their own, as it should be.
I’m in tears, as it should be.
A Widow’s Cry
– Despite what you might think, the tears that come to me are necessary.
– My tears are because I loved someone with all my heart and I can’t be with them, touch them, kiss them or hug them again. Not even once. Do you know how that feels?
– I cry because I loved. I cry because I lost. I cry because I can still feel….everything.
– I cry because this is so unfair and there’s nothing…nothing I can do to change it.
– These tears come in the shower, on my long run, in the car at the stoplight and parking lots, in public bathrooms, under my covers in bed, while cooking dinner and taking out the trash, when nothing goes right, in darkness and in daylight.
– They come for a reason and a season.
– Sometimes I cry because of the past memories, sometimes because I’m moving forward courageously, sometimes because I’m confused and lost, sometimes because I’m exhausted and over it and sometimes when I’m profoundly, positively happy.
– They are healing, inconvenient, embarrassing, breathtaking, uncontrollable, unyeilding and as mysteriously beautiful and sacred as love is to me.
– In fact, without love, these tears would have no meaning whatsoever.
– These brave tears wouldn’t percolate at all if I had not found the courage to give my whole-hearted self to another. To fully commit myself heart-to-heart infinitely.
– So, if you see me tear up or break down, find me a tissue, give me a hug, hold my hand, find a private place we can go and sit together until it passes. Hold that space with me. Your kindness genuinely helps this feel less awkward.
– Thank you ahead of time. Having a golden friend like you in a moment like this is the silver lining of every tear I shed.
– Some of my tears will come alone and in silence, but all of my tears come calling out for compassion, friendship and connection.
Let’s be willing and grateful for this authentic way to emotionally connect with each other and better understand the deeper meaning in all our tears. Let it rain until it releases our pain as we regain the hope and strength to face another moment in this storm after loss.
*Dedicated to every #widow who has cried from the core of her precious broken open heart heart emoticon
Love you T when it’s easy, when it’s not,