Years ago, one of my favorite history professors told me that he measured his life in blocks of time and he made sure that those blocks were always filled visually, on his calendar. I put that notion way back in my memory banks and continued to race with time, trying to keep up with readings, writing papers, prepping for test and keeping my social life in a place where it didn’t interfere with my work toward a career. Good thing we had SUMMER VACATION!
And then I found my way to career that I loved. Yes, blocks of time were out of my control-7:30-2:45 my school schedule. But by then I had a calendar too, and a pay check, and a car and vacations…independence and blocks of time to fill, slowly…
And then I met you and it took time to really figure out how to merge our calendars, our blocks of life. I still had my full-time work blocks, and in your retirement, you had fewer blocks of work time that your now volunteered at clinics. Slowly, our calendars merged into one and I continued to temper my work blocks with our blocks, conscious about that balance.
Time, for me, for the last 51/2 months has been in the deep freeze. Yes, I’ve been updating my calendar, filling in my blocks with dinner dates, with movies, with walks, with some travel, but there’s no longer any need to balance my life with your life. There’s nothing you need from me. I’m free to fill in the calendar without any thought about you. No need to balance your life with mine. Yes, I’m moving into that new chapter of a present without you.
I’m in that club of widows and widowers, the half of the partnership that’s left to reconstruct a life. How hard it is!
But… as I wind down this letter and start to get ready for a ride to Ridgewood for dinner and good conversation with Tara and Scott, I’m going to take this letter to a good place.
Thank you T and thank you friends and family for helping me keep moving through challenge. What a ride!
Love you all,