Letters to Tuvia#154:Me Without You(Here)

Dear T.

I’m sitting on my couch, another homemade dinner baking the oven and

Soon Bonnie and maybe Julia will be joining me here, over the Hudson.

Soon I’ll light a fire in the fireplace.

Soon I’ll put on some of my favorite music and it probably won’t bring me to tears.

Soon Bonnie and Julia will see me and remark that I’m getting to look more like my old self and yes, I will agree.  My selfie above brings that home.  Looking in the mirror is new for me. I haven’t been able to see me through the sadness and tears.

So smile T, good things are happening:

I shopped for a new entertainment center yesterday and the fruits of my labors are above: two new pieces will arrive in mid March after Clever comes to remove my old one, not that it’s ready to retire but I’m pushing it out for a newer, more practical model, one that will accommodate the TV back at the house that we enjoyed together for your last months., when we pushed the chairs close together, right up close to the screen so you could hear and see easily and we could hold hands and touch.

Almost 6 months ago.

So much has happened in 6 months and then maybe not so much.  I can’t tell yet- just coming back to  life in real time.

Funny, isn’t it- I’m smiling more, moving faster, beginning a return to work with the HVWP, packing for Cancun soon,  opening my apartment to friends, doing all the good things and enjoying them

and then, when the house is quiet again and everything is back to normal I prep the bed, move into the center and take a deep breath in the silence, wondering….

where are you???

And  maybe t’s you who have been disturbing my sleep. now that my waking life is easier. Maybe when my defenses are down, when my id goes wild and it searches for you.

Because in this conscious world everything seems to be good but then… there’ something missing, something big… something I must  be searching for….

Sounds a little confusing I think.  but there you have it- certainty and uncertainty all in one.

Miss YOU

Bonnie S.

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4 thoughts

  1. It’s okay to be confused in this state of thawing and missing your other heart. You are processing how life continues to evolve when such a big piece is missing. Nice furniture!

  2. I’m sorry I missed yesterday; it was a blur of a day. I hear those mixed feelings, but oh it’s nice to hear that the days are easier, and they have you looking forward to some good things. It is a huge change, and I can’t even say that some parts will be easier. They just will be. I’m proud of you Bonnie, thinking through the parts, and doing things for yourself that help. Hugs for a nice weekend. I’ve been busy, don’t know what the weather is doing back there. Hope it’s better.

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