It’s snowing a bit here. I canceled a makeover at the mall but Dana was here for our vacay day-of-beauty so I’m ready to squeeze into a cool new bathing suit and experiment with a new look-the long flowy dress. I’m going to say that you would enjoy the change. Pictures to follow 🙂
But it’s my sessions with Sandie, that I want to share with you.
Since February 21, the 6 month mark of your passing, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I will carry you with me. I watched this video that I made for you after our 10-year anniversary party, that actually brought you to tears of joy. Remember?
Here it is again-
I watched it a lot on that day and listened to the word of the poem and thought about how romantic it was to create it for you and share it with you and snuggle up to you as you watched and then asked to watch it again and maybe even a few more times that evening.
It was easy to breathe in the words then, easy to see us together with just 1/2 of our time together over. We were both vital, healthy then and deeply connected and committed to each other. I remember.
Over the last 6 months I’ve learned that I don’t need to visit your grave, I don’t need to hold on to you at the house because I’ve brought pieces of you that ignite memories of you, of us but I wonder…
Where are you, really? That what I want to know. Where are you?
That’s what we talked about? Not that Sandie know’s where you are, but the conversation is one that she could speak to…
I know you didn’t believe in the spirit world. You didn’t seem to have much interest in things spiritual. You were a man of logic, of science, of reason first.
But me, hmmm… I don’t know where I stand. Before you, I didn’t really doubt the spiritual. As a kid I followed my mom’s lead. She was always a believer, so I was too. Simple. But as I grew up, I wasn’t sure. You seemed to be so sure so I landed with you, tried on doubting.
Now I’d like to believe that there’s more than nothing, more to you than the decomposing body at the cemetery, so if you are in fact, now somewhere, and I hope you are, could you send me a sign?
I really want to believe after all, I am a lover of the emotional. Logic, reason- yes, that too but as a lover of poetry and literature, powerful movies, the emotional side of me feeds my humanity.
Sandy believes that there’s more to us than the cut and dried. I want to believe too. Damn, I wish I could know you’re okay somewhere and that we might meet up again somehow.
For now, I’m getting used to your physical absence. I’ve been talking to you more. Have you been hearing me?
I’m going to be back at our beach by next Monday afternoon. How about flying by as I walk along…