Letters to Tuvia#158 Could you send me a Sign, Please?(2-23-16)


Afternoon T,

It’s snowing a bit here. I canceled a makeover at the mall but Dana was here for our vacay day-of-beauty so I’m ready to squeeze into a cool new bathing suit and experiment with a new look-the long flowy dress. I’m going to say that you would enjoy the change. Pictures to follow ūüôā

But it’s my sessions with Sandie, that ¬†I want to share with you.

Since February 21, the 6 month mark of your passing, ¬†I’ve been thinking a lot about how I will carry you with me.¬† ¬†I watched this video that I made for you after our 10-year anniversary party, that actually brought you to tears of joy. ¬†Remember?

Here it is again-

I watched it a lot on that day and listened to the word of the poem and thought about how romantic it was to create it for you and share it with you and snuggle up to you as you watched and then asked to watch it again and maybe even a few more times that evening.

It was easy to breathe in the words then, easy to see us together with just 1/2 of our time together over.  We were both vital, healthy then and deeply connected and committed  to each other.  I remember.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in 
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere 
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done 
by only me is your doing,my darling) 
                                                      i fear 
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want 
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) 
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant 
and whatever a sun will always sing is you 
here is the deepest secret nobody knows 
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud 
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows 
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) 
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart¬†
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
     And before Sandie and I started talking I shared the video with her.
Here’s some of what I remember and what’s been percolating with me:


Over the last ¬†6 months I’ve learned that I don’t need to visit your grave, I don’t need to hold on to you at the house because I’ve brought pieces of you that ignite memories of you, of us but I wonder…

Where are you, really?  That what I want to know.  Where are you?

That’s what we talked about? ¬†Not that Sandie know’s where you are, but the conversation is one that she could speak to…

I know you didn’t believe in the spirit world. ¬†You didn’t seem to have much interest in things spiritual. ¬†You were a man of logic, of science, of reason first.

But me, hmmm… I don’t know where I stand. ¬†Before you, I didn’t really doubt the spiritual. As a kid I followed my mom’s lead. ¬†She was always a believer, so I was too. ¬†Simple. ¬†But as I grew up, I wasn’t sure. ¬†You seemed to be so sure so I landed with you, tried on doubting.

Now I’d like to believe that there’s more than nothing, ¬†more to you ¬†than the ¬†decomposing body at the cemetery, so if you are in fact, now somewhere, and I hope you are, could you send me a sign?

I really want to believe  after all,  I am a lover of the emotional. Logic, reason- yes, that too  but as a lover of poetry and literature, powerful movies, the emotional side of me feeds my humanity.

Sandy believes that there’s more to us than the cut and dried. ¬†I want to believe too. ¬†Damn, I wish I could know you’re okay somewhere and that we might meet up again somehow.

For now, I’m getting used to your physical absence. ¬†I’ve been talking to you more. ¬†Have you been hearing me?

I’m going to be back at our beach by next Monday afternoon. ¬†How about flying by as I walk along…

Bonnie S.


11 thoughts

  1. The life after is always a big question mark. One has to select the path of where that person’s beliefs lie. Logic has no place in matters of the heart. I chose beliefs that make my mind and heart happy, at peace.

  2. What a beautiful video and poem to commerate a loved one. I believe in a life after, but it is hard because it is not clear. You look for signs that tell you that someone is looking after you and helping you to find some peace. If you believe there is hope.

  3. We’ve talked about this before, my friend. I think my believing friends have something on me in this area – but I like what Elsie says: we choose beliefs that we can find peace with. And I think you are inching closer to that peace.

  4. Personally, I believe there is something more after we leave this world. That is what gives me comfort and peace and the will to carry on. For me, that is where faith comes in to play. We each have our own beliefs. Here’s hoping you get the sign you are looking for at the beach.

  5. I think holding a person in our heart is an kind of afterlife. I love the idea of heaven in this poem by Patrick Phillips:
    It will be the past
    and we’ll live there together.

    Not as it was to live
    but as it is remembered.

    It will be the past.
    We’ll all go back together.

    Everyone we ever loved,
    and lost, and must remember.

    It will be the past.
    And it will last forever.

    Wishing you peace, Bonnie.

  6. Your trail of thought, your yearning, your need for a sign is so understandable. Unfortunately nobody can do anything about it. I hope you get a sign, find understanding in your belief, and you can see there’s more to Tuvia’s presence than a memory in your thoughts and a heart.

  7. 6 months, such a delicate time. March 1 will mark the 10th year for me, I know these feelings, I’ve walked this path. So I won’t bother with the platitudes – I know you’ve heard them all, likely ad nauseam by now. When you’re no longer looking, you’ll get your sign on an unexpected day, in an unexpected way. Granted, you may even miss it at first, for not all spiritual signs are blatant to the eye, but once you recognize it for what it is, you will smile within your soul and you will know that Tuvia smiles with you. Peace

  8. The photo of your bookshelves, with all those photos, reminds me that I need to have more photos of Terry and me. We have so few. One of us is always behind the camera so we are seldom together on the set. There will come a day when one of us will be gone completely. And how will we remember?

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