Afternoon T,
You might say, as you look at my most recent photos above that hey what fun! Bonnie, you are happy, enjoying our beach even if I’m not there and that’s the way it should be.
But there’s more to the day than pictures captured:
From the very start of this last full day here at our paradise, it’s been weird. As I walked to meet Jane for breakfast, in the cool of the morning, when the place is fresh and quiet, I ran into a bellhop we know and I’ve seen since I’ve been here.
Her stopped this time and asked me immediately: “Buenos Dias, Mrs. Rosenberg, where is your husband? I haven’t seen him this week.”
I hesitated, teared up: “He’s gone… died…”
He teared up: “When? How long ago?” (As if that mattered)
“Six months ago. After we made the reservation to come back here.”
“It must be hard to be here without him. But we are taking care of you right?
“Right. Of course and I have friends here who refused to cancel their plans. We are all missing him.”
He paused. “I’m missing him So glad you are here for him too.”
“Yes, I know.”
I’m sure it’s hard.”
“Yes. Thank you for asking.”
He squeezed my arm. “I’m sorry. Hope you come back again. Soon.”
“Thanks. Good to see you again.”
We both moved on and that moment took hold of me and wouldn’t let go. At the table I grabbed up m phone and checked my email before Jane arrived. I found a fresh one from Cindi, the real estate agent helping us prep the house for sale.
Double whammy!
I felt the weight of reality baring down on me even with Jane and Michael to talk to, even with sunshine at the beach, even with a new bathing suit that fits like a glove, even with more new episodes of House of Cards.
I just can’t move away from the sadness today. I’m feeling that emptiness, the ghosts.our memories here together, but I keep smiling at the beach, at the gym, in the sunshine, when the camera makes demands.
I miss you as much as I thought I would here. It’s the way it should be, love of my life.
Bonnie S.
Digital Bonnie 
Such a poignant slice. I would miss my husband too under the circumstances. I am so sorry for your loss but glad you kept your travel plans. You are in my prayers tonight.
Everyone who reads your slice is sending you a little love. Sorry for your loss, and happy to hear you have “those kind” of friends! The type that grab hold and don’t let go.
I am so sorry and awed by your courage…
The camera only captures what we show it. If they could capture our inner selves it would be a completly different picture. Thoughts are with you.
I am loving your letters to T. There is so much love and all your quiet moments are so poignant. In my culture mourning is formalized and goes on for a whole year. It’s as much a way of paying respects to the one who has passed to the spirit world as it is a way to signal to others that you have experienced the loss of a loved one. In Western society I’ve had so many conversations with people who feel alone in mourning, as though others are expecting them to be different. I love that you’re letting us in on your daily experiences on this blog.
Also, your bathing suit is super, and what a wonderful moment you shared with the bellhop.
If it had to happen, I’m glad it was at the end. Of course this trip would be difficult because you had such wonderful memories there. Israel was different because there were friends and family to support you, here there were lonely days until your friends arrived. It sounds as if the staff was very caring, but it’s not the same. Hugs to you until you are home.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your words brought tears to my eyes and I thought of the loved ones that I miss every day. My thoughts are with you as you navigate this different chapter in your life.
And it is as it should be, Bonnie. I hope it will help that you did go, and now have a memory there of you, watching House of Cards, still remembering the times with Tuvia, but also cheery sometimes–two parts of life, the inside and the outside. Hope this last evening is nice with our friends.
So hard for you. How brave you were to face that difficult situation.
Such a sweet and heartfelt piece today. I’m sure it was difficult to be in your special place but hopefully it was also healing as well. Take care and have a safe trip home.
Those last two lines are truer than true.