Letters to Tuvia#186:March have been good to me (3-24-16)

Evening T,

I was just on the phone with my friend James, and as we caught up I realized that hey,  March has been good to me.  I don’t remember ever enjoying March, even when I had a play scheduled before the dreaded St. Patrick’s Day.  I used to race through March, impatient to get to April and to spring, but so much has happened to me this month that by the time April arrives, hey, I’ll be ready to shed the skin of winter and mourning weariness.  I didn’t say mourning, just the weariness that has been coating me.

I think that I will enter the warm months with new energy, new strength, new optimism.  I know, you’re smiling at that, probably thinking, it’s about time.

I’ve been doing my work, in my process,  coming back to myself after a long but necessary sleep in a deep freeze of protection.

In the early days of September, as I took care of some of our business I didn’t cancel our March trip to Cancun and it’s so good that I didn’t.  It was so good to be back there, taking stock of myself at a place we loved together and then have good friends join me to share the love at Excellence.  We missed you as a trio of T lovers.  I don’t know that I will be back there anytime soon, but what a unique and wonderful place to recommend and keep me in my back pocket, just in case I can’t live through a winter without showing up there.

I took dramatic steps to make this apartment more of a home base for me with another wave of decluttering, making way for new furniture that I would live with intimately.  Trashing old collections as we move once again into a new media world. Crazy and expensive to dump all those CDs. Oh well…. I had such loving help and the more minimal the more you’d approve.  I know that for sure.

Even with a head cold cooking I just couldn’t cancel on that Thursday afternoon and  I went off for that long weekend of therapy that took place in an old farm house not far away from the mountain of my childhood.  It was hard, challenging but just another piece of my process in grieving I’m sure about that T.

I continue to meet up with friends and families-mine and yours- all ours really.  And I see my progress in my process in their eyes.  I want to keep moving forward to a healthy place but I know that I am happy to spend more time on this couch just luxuriating in my space.  You aren’t smiling right now.  It never made any sense to you to sit tight anywhere for more than a few hours.  That’s where we don’t agree.

But yesterday I did have a tech task.  With almost 10,000 photos and videos I’ve been collecting on my iPhone I knew I needed a way to save them and remove most of them. With help at the Apple store, success!!!! Photos saved, photos deleted.  It took time but now my Photo library is decluttered and our photos are clearer to see and enjoy.

I taking charge of this process T.  You know me.  I need to understand me in this tough process of getting used to your absence.

I didn’t know it could be this hard.  You knew it would be.

But I’m ending here tonight with my mantra for the Spring-.

I’m coming into my life… carrying you with me…

Miss you today and every day!

Bonnie S.

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10 thoughts

  1. Moving forward is heading in the right direction. Interesting how you always rushed through March before, but this year was different. I’m so ready for spring. Love the hint of blooms coming out.

  2. Your letters always touch my heart and help me get to know your T better each time. I’m sure he is proud of all that you are doing and how you carry him and your love as you move forward.

  3. It’s amazing to follow your journey and get a glimpse into your mourning process. Here’s to springtime goodness as April beckons. Love your mantra for spring.

  4. I’m glad you are looking back to good times recently, remembering that through the sadness there was goodness too. I never thought about getting through March, perhaps because in my school arc I was so happy that February & our huge Expo was completed that March seemed like a reward. How interesting that our calendars are dotted and defined through habit. Now you might look forward to next March! Enjoy your new stuff, Bonnie, and glad you had the pictures taken care of. I know that Tuva will always stay with you, but I think he might be enjoying the ride, too.

  5. Your spring mantra is beautiful and so rich with meaning, “I’m coming into my life… carrying you with me…” Bless you, Bonnie.

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