I’m not sure that I can finish this letter tonight but I just processed a very big day in the shower and I have to get to writing it out on this page,so here goes:
On the way up to New Paltz for the writing retreat, after an early morning workout with Anthony, I was honestly hoping that Christine might call to stop me, announcing that the event was cancelled but, No call.
So left with just my thoughts in midst of an NPR podcast from Alex Baldwin, I thought about life before you, life with you and then obsessed about life without you,wondering about how I return to a single life.
Here’s an interesting timetable of my Adult Life that I came up with:
At 26- first teaching job: Ellenville, NY
At 36 moved from Ellenville to Pearl River
At 46 Met Tuvia
At 55-6-retired from full-time teaching and celebrated 10 years as us!
At 66- riding solo?
Interesting right? Decades…
At the retreat I used some of the large blocks of writing time to fill in the some of the decades but by lunchtime I lost the necessary energy to continue.
I stopped. The retreat came to an end. We posed for a group shot and then Christine and I came together for one last sprint of energy at the Main Course to make some progress on our joint venture- Tell It Digital. I’m so glad we’re a team. In record speed, even with a very slow internet, in two hours we had a domain name registered: tellitdigital.net, a twitter presence, the start of a website, a double order of new mini moo business cards and plans to get our website ready to go live and to create a Facebook page for Tell It Digital.
and yes, I want to create a piece for my dad as our rough draft.
Such an extraordinary day and the deep thinking continues…
I’ve lost 3 very important people in my life: one of my best friends, Eileen, my mom and you.
Eileen’s loss was monumental and with the help of writing letters to Eileen every day and medication for my painful Polymyalglia Rheumatic, I was cured physically and in time, my mourning turned to peaceful sadness.
Dealing with my mom’s loss was very different. When I left for college at 18 our friendship moved to a more conventional mother/daughter relationship much to my mom’s disappointment. But graciously she let me go and I love her for it even if I didn’t always respect her decision to end her formal education so soon.. She had so much to offer but it was her choice to make, right? I had more growing up to do. But in her last year or so dementia took her away from us and I took the time before the final end, to say good-bye and when she finally left us, she was at peace. I was a peace.
Sounds a bit woo-woo but I am my mom. I have her with me always, inside me- her strengths and weaknesses. I see them in me and feel them and I’m proud to be her daughter.
Now you Tuvia, I will never be one with you. We were an us! transformed by us. That Bonnie from 20 years ago, she was a version of this Bonnie but in between there was 20 years with you and together we created an extraordinary us. You brought with you your gift of a unique lived life and I bought mine with my youthful joy. So if it’s okay with you, I’m going to hold onto us, take us wherever I go.
Is that okay with you?