Letters to Tuvia#206: Family! (4-18-16)

Morning T,

Spring seems like it’s finally arrived and just in time to make Ami Passover visit wonderful for Adi and kids coming from a very warm/hot Israel.

Might I begin this letter by declaring that I am on my 4th draft and the first one was just one paragraph away from completion but then I interrupted my writing roll for a marathon catch-up  chat with James and I was forced to reconsider and rewrite…

One other thing that stopped me from completing that first letter was a reading  a post written by an online friend who has more recently been devastated by the untimely loss of her husband.  I could tell where she is in her mourning.  She’s in a raw place that   I remember well but as I read on I realized how determined I am, as we mark month #8 on Thursday, to successfully come back to myself, taking you with me into my life without you in the flesh.  I remember when I couldn’t imagine that.

In fact, I’m remembering as Christine left last Thursday- after a full and productive morning of walking at the river, enjoying a healthy salad at Strawberry Place and talking non-stop about our exciting business venture,  as I shut the door and sat back down on the couch .. I started to melt down, conscrict and fill up with despair. So, what next?  I stayed in that spot for a good hour in that sad silence until I forced myself up and out the door, back outside in the sunshine: to the bank, to ShopRite…just moving…

Yes, it did help.

But this weekend, this weekend celebrating Eliana’s second birthday day on Saturday with our family and Steve’s family and friends filled with life, even though Amanda is still suffering serious nausea in the early days of her next pregnancy.  It was wonderful being with life, even if I was in constant, dislocated motion: Friday night in Hoboken, Saturday night at the Segovias, Sunday back to Hoboken and finally the City for Rosie’s Memorial Service.

We said our good-bye to Rosie as a family.  Yes, I decided finally that I had to be there for for you, for me,  for our family together.  So I was there with Ami, Adi, the kids, Leora, Ron, Ori, Zehava, in  a small, dingy room of her retirement home.  We stood-standing room only and in the last minutes I thought I would pass out from lack of fluids- no, don’t worry, I didn’t.

Even though none of us would consider speaking for Rosie she did have a group of Rosie lovers who did her justice: Pat spoke, a young woman artist from Romania spoke, her older grandson via Joe spoke, a boring, long winded rabbi spoke and finally it was over.

We are a family- your family and the dinner we shared at Hoboken’s Malibu Diner, with Zehava and Ori, had your spirit everywhere.  It’s what you would have wanted us to do- bear witness for Rosie and then spend dinner together creating new memories for this new family unit without you.  Yes, my love it’s incredibly hard, but we are  working at it.

Passover is coming next weekend and I will miss you in the seat next to me, but it will be filled with support because like it or not, I’m in life motion.

Miss you T, in this first spring without you,

Bonnie S.


4 thoughts

  1. Up & out, but taking Tuvia along, a very sweet way to live, Bonnie. I’m glad the weekend felt good, and being there for Rosie with the family was doable too. I love that “bouncing” picture, makes me happy to carry on, and I imagine it makes you happy, too! Happy Monday!

  2. There is so much joy (pregnancies, birthdays, and Pesach) and sorrow (loss of loved ones, memorial services) in this letter to Tuvia. I hope the joy relieves some of the pain in these losses.

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