Letters to Tuvia#210: Holiday Dread (4-22-16)

Evening T,

I’m writing this as we close out our 8th month anniversary apart but I’m not publishing it until the morning. Today, I let the power of our love in images carry sway…

Walkin’ my Baby Back Home… Do you remember how many times  we walked home together?

So many…not enough…

It was a busy day in the world but I was unsettled, distracted, unconsoled. I tried to keep focused and productive at our HVWP team meeting in the morning, at lunch with Jackie and Diane.in the evening for Jackie’s dinner.

But back in my car, riding up and down highways, I tried listening to NPR podcasts with very little success. I tried deep breathing but there was that holiday dread in the air and worse this year…

Could it be our first Passover, separated after 20 Passovers together?

Funny, isn’t it, I never looked forward to the  big dinners with lots of family… Thanksgiving,  Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur Eve, Passover seders.

I obsessed about the clothes I’d wear, the food we’d bring, how you would feel. And I was always surprised, because even though I dreaded the family events in my head, I always loved them as they happened.  Loved them! Loved our families, loved the bowls of food, loved the conversations… loved my parents sitting across from us… loved our kids…

But then, I loved the hand that grabbed my hand as we sat side by side at Jeff’s table, at Ami’ table.

I loved it all with you.

We come together, We leave together..  Our mantra… We come together, We leave together.

That won’t be happening tomorrow night, Saturday night…

That’s what I dread…

Sorry this letter isn’t ending more upbeat.

I miss you today, tomorrow… every day…

Love,

Bonnie S.

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3 thoughts

  1. As I left school today, early, for Passover, I thought of you – and the angst that this holiday would surely bring. Then, I thought about your family and smiled…certainly….they will surround you with love, laughter, life, living, and light. Surely, they will share some of your angst….and surely….you will all know that T’s spirit and energy are somehow watching over your all….and giving your the strength and power you need to move through this holiday…..

  2. You don’t need to end each post with a happy note, Bonnie. I am proud of you for sharing your sadness, have wondered if this would be a tough weekend for you. As Anita said, family love will help, and you will enjoy them and the specialness of Passover with them. Still, another milestone without Tuvia is here, and it will be time to miss him more, miss your special times together. I send you good wishes and will think of you across the miles tomorrow!

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