Letters to Tuvia: #218 NYC: Still Lovin’ It #sol16

Evening T,

Long day. Good day. Away from my apartment  for most of the day. I know, you’re smiling. More than 2 hours and you would be climbing the walls- of  the house/prison. I am not so ready to escape, but it did feel good to do some racing today.

First, I began the week the way it’s come to feel good- Jonathan gave me a good workout with my guitar. With enough practice under my belt, I was ready for a new section of our freshest piece even though it’s been taking a long time to move ahead.  But we are talking more about my upcoming recital, planning it for the Fall.   I’ll end with a piece that I’d like to move everyone to tears.  Ahh T., I hope I can do this without you hear for it.

I was really looking forward to my session with Sandie after a week off, a week that was tough for me but yes, therapy is so helpful to be able to  work the mess of my mind into some clarity.  Seems like I’m expecting too much from myself, trying to get to normal, whatever that is.  I was good and then, instantly without notice, I hit the wall, more than once.   My life is still in shambles without you and while I am moving along our rich life together is just hard to  revise- no that’s not the right word…

How about this: I had this balance with you.  There was our life together, that was my anchor, my center.  From that center everything else flowed.  It was a balancing act to fit everything else in while you still felt central. I was busy, I was engaged, I was rich…

Now… there’s silence, there’s big spaces of time to fill.  Yes, I’m filling them, but it’s a slow process to adjust to…

Tonight I was back in New York CIty- a place we loved before we got together and a place we loved together.  I don’t ever remember you ever refusing a suggestion to get back to the AOC for a Sunday brunch in their backyard, a concert at Avery Fisher Hall, a play… dinner with Marie France and Don..a lecture at the 92nd St Y.  We loved it all together.

But today I was back, as the weather cleared, to meet up with Nancy Letts for a funky movie created by her assistant and even though I was racing through early rush hour traffic to get down to the VIllage on time, I was good, I found parking on the street, walked on E10th, where a  favorite history professor of mine once lived.   2nd Avenue, close to the  Classic Stage Company where many of my students got to see theater in a wonderfully small space where  the very best NYC actors performed old plays in new ways and they payed pennies for the experience.

Our  city holds chests of memories for the me before you, for the me with you and now- for this new me…

Nancy and I found a small restaurant near the theater and we ate kabobs.  You would have been good there although the pita was like cardboard.  Oh well…

I was at peace today T, close to happy.

Miss you by my side,

Bonnie S.


15 thoughts

  1. This had me in tears. Now… there’s silence, there’s big spaces of time to fill. Yes, I’m filling them, but it’s a slow process to adjust to… I’m relatively new to this grief stuff since losing my mother 3 weeks ago. This is how I feel mostly these days – empty with huge spaces to fill. This getting to happy is a slow uphill climb I think.

  2. I’m so grateful to have finally found these letters. Thank you for letting us read along.
    As I read I was thinking, There is a lot of space, isn’t there? I get a sense from what you write of the rich life you shared with your husband and now how you are reentering the world as you compose it. So much to carry. So much to let go.
    Peace to you.

  3. “At peace today, close to happy.” Oh, Bonnie, thanks for sharing your thoughts here. Grief changes us and it slams us when we least expect it. So glad you have your guitar lessons, sessions with a therapist and friends beside you as you walk this new path.

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