It’s the last episode of The Good Wife and I’m sitting here with candles glowing and a seltzer wtih a splash of cranberry on ice/ I’m here, on a Sunday night on my couch, in my place after a few days away in the Adirondacks with James.
Most of the days were cold and rainy and we drove through small towns and desolate, panoramic views of mountains and lakes. It felt familiar, like my Catskills but the mountains were steeper, rougher and I think to live there you would need to be ready to embrace even more silence than I have here, over the Hudson.
I loved being with James- in his home that he has labored on for years and it’s still not fnished, not yet ready for you, but for me, it was cozy and the views- wow!!!! WE talked a lot, drank together, eat foods in sync, and I watched him in his life away from the city we all love. I watched him work with a cast at the Recovery Lounge and I’m sure I’ll be back for more. We strolled around Burlington, Vermont yesterday, the one day of sunshine. WE took a 20 minute ferry ride and yes, I was thinking about our ferry rides last year at the tip of Long Island and I wished you were enjoying this ride with us.
I was sad in the silence. Yes, I read but in the silences as we rode in the mountains, I was sad in the silences… missing you, T.
And then I rode home this morning, Mother’s Day morning… without my mother to share it with. Without you to share it with both of us… And then I was home, with luggage to unpack, a new coffee mug created by Sue,a friend of James. Actually, it’s a gift from James.
I had dinner from the market at the bottom of the hill and I was home… our home.
I was missing our home. Our home, yes. We shared your house in Paramus, but it’s here, over the Hudson, that we created this fresh space for me now… Yes, I have made some changes but I know that you would have loved them. I know it.
So, I’ve been away- always a productive experience and now I’m back for a guitar lesson, a day with Jack at his school, dinners with friends, gym visits- days not exactly full, but filling…
It’s not the same without you but I carry you with me now… I can feel you coming along. I’m not wearing my grieving, I’m taking charge and wearing us wherever I go.
Last 10 minutes now of The Good Wife, T. I’m missing you here with me, holding your hand, kissing.