#Letters to Tuvia#223:Feeling Peaceful (5-10-16) #sol16

Morning T,

Could you see yourself sitting in one of those new chairs on my deck?  Sitting in the darkness  next to me on my love seat with my new LED lights flikering like candles?  I wonder, though, if you were still here would there be new furniture on this deck?

But then, you’re gone… and I’m still here and, I was feeling peaceful, maybe not joyous, maybe not happy,  but I did feel peaceful.  I haven’t been at peace since  we sat across the kitchen table 8 months ago for the last time, just before the house was invaded by outsiders who took you away when you were already on your way, away from me.

I’ve written often about that moment often. I can’t get rid of it, but our life together-big events, everyday life, yes, they remain  with me… they make me smile, make me tear up, make me miss you, make me feel so blessed…

make me feel peaceful…

Yesterday…peaceful on my porch when I returned from Pier 1 with fresh pops of color  to ehance  the space…and I sat out there and read, and took deep breaths, and listened to Prince pouring out at me from the livingroom, and I itched to pick up my guitar and review my lesson.

Peace and energy… a very good combination!  When I was away and watched James play his uke every day, I missed my guitar practice. Missed it!!!

It’s been hard to pick  up  my guitar without you here to listen, but I missed it when I was away and yes, even with a long ride home on Sunday, once I showered and unpacked, yes, I picked up my guitar after days away and I practiced for my lesson yesterday. Yes, I am feeling that familiar PEACE mixed with ENERGY and hmmm maybe a bit of my PASSION  is returning…

Bonnie is returning…taking you with me…

Miss you forever,

Bonnie S.

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27 thoughts

  1. Maybe spaces made new, like your porch, are helping you find peace, and bringing Tuvia into the space in a different way does not mean forgetting, but warmth of the good times past. I’m always speculating, wondering how this feels, how that works in the journey. Happy to hear about the guitar. There is a music thread touching many today in their writing. Interesting to see the connections among us.

  2. Peaceful is good. This line, “I wonder, though, if you were still here would there be new furniture on this deck?” intrigues me. It was hard when the first ‘new’ thing entered my home and I thought, “Rob has never seen that. He’ll never see it.” New things are a physical reminder that life moves on whether we are peaceful, happy, sad, etc. In some ways there’s solace in knowing that the force of life of which we are a part happens regardless of how we feel.

    Peaceful is good.
    (BTW< the furniture looks great. Such bold beautiful color:)

    • I fought this for the longest time. The idea that I was moving ahead without Tuvia was so hard. But by the end of December (Tuvia died in August, I had to finally move out of his place officially and focus on like my apartment. Over the years we bought a used often a more functional set of outdoor furniture and if he were still here I don’t think I would have replaced them. He was very practical. But given this new situation, he would want me to do what I’m doing, I’m sure of it.
      Peaceful yes, it’s familiar. I haven’t been here in some time.
      Come and join me…

  3. So happy to read of peace and passion returning to your life. I wish I could pop into one of those chairs and share some morning time with you. So inviting!

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