We are now officially celebrating Memorial Day weekend and my eyes have been tearing all day. I take it for granted that it’s all coming from you but no, I know it’s more than just us. Spring pollen, eye sensitivites and I’m faithfully following my eye doctor’s wellness plan that I squirt eye drops into my eyes twice a day, gently wipe my lids with medicated pads and then take a few minutes to cover up with a warmly wetted washcloth. I’ve been very good but so far the tears continue. Is it more you than the elements?
I don’t really mind the sweet tears but the up’s and down’s are tormenting me. I’m good. I’m smiling. I’m shopping for protein bars at Fairway. I’m meeting up with good friends for lunch, for dinner on a Friday. I’m watching/napping through a sweet movie in one of those laziboy movie chairs. I’m snacking on a oatmega bar. I’m walking in Nyack.
I’m feeling like me, in control of this life and suddenly, wihtout warning, I’m dismantled. I’m frozen, I’m constricting and it’s not sweet, not gentle. I’m chilled with fear. I’m hating this life without you. I’m trying to breathe my way out of this moment. Yes, even sitting on a bench at the Nanuet Mall in sunshine, glancing across the street to the Bone Fish that wasn’t even our Bone Fish and I’m aching to call for a holiday reservation for two. But I don’t, I can’t.
You are not here, pressuring me to create an instant Memorial Day barbecue. I miss that pressure. I’m smiling a very weak smile.
Interesting isn’t it, that I don’t try and capture the dismantling in images.