Letters to Tuvia#246: Push/Pull (6-11-16)

Morning T,

I’m feeling that push and pull again.  I’m out in the world, bouncing to my own rhythm, I’m smiling, feeling you with me, I’m productive, almost back to that good place I remember and then…

For example:

I was in my car headed for Paramus, to our Bone Fish- dinner  with Tara.  NPR was on announcing news that was very bad for the Donald and very good for Hillary.  I was wishing that you could be beaming along with me, but I was still okay.  I entered the darkness of BF, the hostess was new and of course at 5 the place was almost empty.  I didn’t mind that.  Everything felt familiar.  I was early but again, that was okay. I chose a booth and not our table for two.  I had my Kindle and familiar staff members stopped by to check in and check up.  It was good…

Tara arrived and it was still good, great to see her even if she had all the signs of end-of-a- school year-exhaustion.  We were meeting up early enough that she could eat and get home with enough time to take care of what awaited her there.  Our conversation was as expected- energizing… but something else was happening to me.  As we sat and talked about the present, the future, the past I was moving back into the past with you at our table still vacant. I was flooded  with images and I left feeling depleted, wondering if I could ever go back there again.

It’s that push and pull…

I’ve been feeling it for the last few days at every turn  and here’s the heart of the matter…

Memorial Day in the New York City.  Don’s 75 Birthday Party.  At this intersection of past parties with you and  Don’s birthday present, I started moving to a future.   I talked with a stranger, the entertainment for the evening and it was exciting. It wasn’t a long  conversations but something was bubbling up in me for the first time in 9 months… for the first time in 20 years and 9 months.  A new energy that was exciting and frightening.

It seems like I’m preparing for the dive back into that meat market.  Leora’s in it, Ron seems to be dabbling and me?

I can tell you that there’s too much silence in this new life over the Hudson.  What I miss most is US and our endless togetherness,  but am I ready for a plunge in emotionally mercy and freezing waters?

.For now I’m feeling this tug, this push and pull… moving/ dismantling..

It’s Saturday and I’m out of my balcony,

missing  you.

Bonnie S.

5 thoughts

  1. You will find your way through this maze of life. Don’t you know Tuvia probably had those same thoughts when he met you. Enjoy the conversations.

  2. So glad to see that pic of you and Tara. Bouncing, energized, productive, and then depleted. Hoping for more of the up times and less of the down as you continue this journey. Hugs.

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