Yesterday marked our 10 months apart and it was good to be in sunshine, even though the day began with a bit of rain. I am try to measure my healing in real time. Funny, time has become a good friend recently, once I began to accept the reality that you weren’t coming back. I fought against a future without you, but my own life spirit propelled me back into life, maybe that notion first began when I attended that therapy weekend at Shalom Mountain, led by Sandie. I chose life.
We talked about that event yesterday as I processed and reflected on where I am now in this healing process and back home in sunshine, dinner with Hilda and family. Life affirming.
But it’s still more difficult to manage my days of silence, the days on the calendar that are empty- no dates for meals, no scheduled activities when I’m on my own to choreograph a day riding solo. I still freeze up and want to fill up spaces. Patience helps. Just waiting a bit for the phone to ring, for texts to arrive and invitations appear.
And there’s guitar, and exercise and new work opporutnities coming…
With you I was in charge of our social lives. I balanced my own activites with our shared interests and I raced through life without empty days on the calendar. But filling empty spaces on the calendar- that’s the new life I lead and I’m not so independent without you. We were a power couple…
Today I’m heading to the City for A Long Day’s Journey into Night by Eugene O’neil with Lynn. It will be long- 4 hours. I’m sure you would be ready to take it on with me, actually I’m not sure that I will be up for all of it. But a beautiful summer day in NYC, watching in a good seat, Jessica Lang and a great cast with her. Can’t wait.
Miss you T.