Letters to Tuvia#261:Opening the Last Door(7-3-16)

Evening T,

I confess, I made myself crazy yesterday with the day set aside for some video work before  I left for Hoboken to join Ami, Adi and the kids for dinner, feeling the Rosenberg love again.  I wasn’t planning to open wounds as I started sifting through HVWP videos in preparation for the project in need of getting off the ground.

I started moving files on to a new timeline,getting ready to sift through for gems of inspiration  but  I had to stop and linger on our solo dance celebrating my 50th and watch us so publicly in love. The last time I was with this  piece- editing the video to fit Laura Nyro’s rendition of Embraceable You. Ten months ago, 5,  I couldn’t bare it. You would never look at me that way again, I would never hold you close. I couldn’t keep watching us. It was unbearable.

Yes, it does take time to get used to this life without you.  It does take time to accept another way of connecting with you, yes the pain isn’t unbearable . With this finished piece now on my You Tube channel I can watch it and see us without experiencing an emotional meltdown.

And I can open the door to the possibility that like you, I might be able to find another love, not us but hmmm I’m opening the door,istening to jazz again, making some serious small talk, and you, you are conflicted- wishing on one hand, that you could be here with me but understanding, cheering me on and off the couch and out the door.

I’m remembering that first night when I got more than I expected, so much more than a bagel with white fish salad and freshly brewed coffee. I got you, sure that you were the one for me and I was so right.

I have a big summer ahead and in that last week of August, when I’m back from the trip down the Rhine River somehow I’ll handle your unveiling, marking our first full  year apart, I will

Love you forever,

Bonnie S.

21 thoughts

  1. Those days when old times return “large” are not easy, but still loving memories. Life moves in waves, doesn’t it? Have a good Independence Day, Bonnie.

  2. I wish I could travel up to be with you for the unveiling, Bonnie. However, I’ve put a moratorium on my travelling after ILA since I know I will be too uncomfortable to go anywhere once I’m deep into my third trimester. That said, I will be thinking of you as you go through that day. It’s funny (as in funny-strange, not funny-ha-ha) how the unveiling is supposed to symbolize us moving on without the deceased physically in our lives. If you choose to share some kind of eulogy that day, I hope you’ll share it with us so we can continue to support you from afar.

  3. Moving on is difficult, Bonnie. We all do it one way or another. Somehow we find the strength we need to continue. I would like to think that Tuvia was and still is your strength.

  4. I see what you mean about taking your time with this work, Bonnie, feeling your way (in all senses of that phrase), knowing when to move forward and when to pause (another layered expression). Earlier today, my head was spinning; now, my heart is, too.

  5. Such a love you shared with Tuva, and to feel him cheering you on and off the couch. He’ll always be an important part of your life. The video is beautiful!

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