July feels good. There’s lots of sunshine-cool mornings and evenings. There’s rain- we need more. There”s HVWP projects approaching, deadlines- healthy pressure. There’s guests here for dinner- I hosted Michael last night. Ami and family have settled in and I’m enjoying having them close. I’ve been walking at the river more. Yes, solo. Sometimes I move to music, sometimes all I need is the rythmn of the river.
And I have you.
It took months for me to accept that you weren’t coming back in a form I could touch and hold and talk to. Months. But I am getting used to life with the 20 years of us. In fact, that short movie I recently made of us dancing at my 50th party, I play that 2 mintue piece at least once a day and fills me with power, the power of our love, the coating, the shell that has formed around me as I live in this life.
This is not a new life but more a revision. All of the pieces are all familiar, I just have to adjust you in the mix. No, that’s not easy, but it’s getting tolerable. I’m working to turn this horrible loss into something bearable. I’ve stopped fighting and I’m revising…
I used to hate revising my writing. In fact, I didn’t. As a kid, I finished an assignment and turned it in as fast as possible. I did the same in college and for years after. I pushed my rough drafts away. But then I was a teacher and I had to embrace my writing life to make my modeling experience for my kids authentic. With the help of my time at Bard and the HVWP I came to embrace the experience. As I moved into my digital life revision/editing got even easier. In fact, I love revising my digital pieces, challenged to make the stories powerful especially as we start creating pieces of paying customers.
And yes, beyond my writing life, I’m embracing revision in my life without you here. I’m embracing the journey to joy. I want to feel the joy I had waking up every day next to you. This morning I revised the routine of my day. Shower first so that right now I’m sitting here on my couch and starting to itch for a walk at the river. I’m dressed and ready to go…
Miss you so much Tuvia Rosenberg,