Morning T,

I’m in the middle of our Thursday Open 2016.  Kristen is leading the revision workshop now, reading the group one of her favorite mentor text, combining her work with new possibilities from Katherine Bomer.  I’m sitting behind her, taking it all in as I feel compelled to make sense of the last 24 hours.

I feel like I’m suffering from a hangover (only one vodka-cran last night), grateful that I don’t have to maintain high energy.  Maybe two round-trips to Nyack/New Paltz and then-Nyack/Hoboken was  too much  but no,  I Just did it.

Celebrating Lydia’s birthday  in Hoboken with Adi and Ami hosting was another first. I’m remembering our first dinner on July 20,on the birthday of your first wife and   I never felt uncomfortable about the tradition. We were together for almost a  year before  July and  you  promised me I would never feel uncomforable.  I never did.

It was just dinner on her bithday, with time in the morning for you to visit her grave.  You brought a flower, gently placed on the ground and left, without a prayer,a without moment of reflection-  just the act of showing up and leaving  a beautiful gift.  The dinner was the same. A feast in her name with friends, with family-  small dinners, larger dinners, different combinations of guests depending on who was available.  I was always with you, even if I forgot and made other plans.  I  instantly changed them without your knowing.  I was with you.

So this year without you to host with me and the house now waiting for a new family, Ami and Adi took over. I just had to show up, with a bottle of prosecco and lovely flowers.  And it was a lovely evening with Mia and, Mihael, Leora, Ron, Ron’s new lady Laurie, Gabrielle, Mia’s friend, Dani and Aton and Maggie, the Lab.  It was lovely.

And me. I started out with energy but faded after the vodak/cran took hold, after the driving caught up with me.   Maybe it wasnt the right time for Leora and I to  pick photos for my JDate profile page but there’s a family push to move forward. I am torn.  I select a picture of me and one  of us.

I’m so torn on July 21.  11 months ago you were taken from us and I still wonder, how do I move forward without you?

Miss you, Tuv,

Bonnie S.