Letters to Tuvia#283: With/Without You (8-14-16)


I’ve been looking for you in this sea of travelers and I can’t find you.    I can’t find anyone who looks anything like you and I stop looking.

I jumped into Jdate and Match and no matter how often I click on the sites, and no matter how many male photos  float by, not one of the  images look anything like you and I click off, exhausted.

Instead, at lunch today I shared your life before me. As always I shared it with quiet pride, sharing  your courage and resourcefulness to make the most of the cards you were dealt, living beyond expectations.

. You’ve never heard me tell your story but I am sure you would be satisfied maybe even think it was too much bragging. But telling your story elates me, keeps me positive-the best of the human spirit- the man who loved me.

Here on this first real adventure without you I am on my own. I sit with Sharon and our group and I force myself to stay present, focused, engaged.

And today as I tour windmills, climb steep stairs, move in and out of crowds, sit reading and writing in the lounge  as the boat moves us closer to Germany, I am sure that you would have loved sharing this trip with me. As soft French music plays in the background, I’m tearing up without you…

I am not ready to turn my attention away from us. I’m not ready to fill your shoes. I don’t know if I will ever be able to replace those worn out shoes of yours,worn in our shared life.

What a man you were…What a spirit you are…
Bonnie S.

10 thoughts

  1. One day I would like to sit with you and a glass of wine and hear the story of Tuvia before you. We will make this happen, right? You will continue to find him deep in your heart. He is the gold standard by which any man must measure against. That will be near to impossible.

  2. I think you’re wise to know you’re not ready for JDate or Match yet. If and when you’re ready, you’ll know. And if you never are, then that’s okay too. You had something exceedingly special together.

  3. I imagine his shoes will remain unfulfilled and that at some time you will move on beyond this expression of grief. That is what life demands. It demands our attention and I do believe for you and for me that a time will show itself when we can divert our glance from then to now. Much love to you as you negotiate all of this.

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