Letters to Tuvia Y2 #5: Darkness and a Bit of Light (9-2-16)

 

Morning T,

Good thing the sun is shining today because we are in for rain coming from  hurricane Hermine.  Sound familiar?  Remembering Andrew and others that caused us to lose power in Paramus and in Piermont?  Remember when you insisted we drive around your area to explore the damage and it took us hours to get home, until we found an unblocked entrance rt 17? Remember when we had no power and headed for the Garden State mall where there was power and I could charge all my devices.  Nirvana!

I’m hoping I won’t lose power now we can’t create an adventure out of crises.

So, here’s an update…here’s where I’ve been…

Probably yesterday was the worst day for me in months.  What was I thinking as we headed to the end of year 1….. It’s just an artificial marker in time.  We are officially in year 2 of our permanent separation and I’m still emotionally raw.

Yesterday, as I left my eye dr. appointment in the neon light of dilation, Ami let me know that – your house is now completely empty of you and me and the life as we knew it.  It’s emptied of your history:  I have pieces of it, Ami and Adi have pieces, Ron and Leora have pieces…Clever and his crew have pieces, strangers, who don’t know you have your clothes.  Yes it’s just things…clothes, furniture, dishes, sheets, books, the desk in your office that I don’t remember you ever sitting in,  porch furniture, the new Laziboy that you sat in for 15 mintues, that I slept in for weeks after you left…  the framents mean nothing but together, as whole it was our life that we loved.

A new family will take ownership  soon to create new life there… as it should be…

That’s what my head can understand and accept and even welcome… but

my heart…my heart aches for us

After that conversation with Ami, I spiraled downward…made myself a drink soon after my return home, to take off the edge and then sunk into my couch for the rest of the day.  I know that the news freaks you out.   For comic relief I continued binging on old seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm.  Yes, I laughed a bit.  You would have hated it.

All I can say is that today is a new day.I was up early and dressed for my gym session with Anthony,  Tara called as I sipped coffee, for an early morning conversation to help me begin making sense of this where I am in my grieving..

I don’t want to complain but so far, life still feels empty without you.  I’m hanging in…  I even got to meet 2 week old  Eidie Kaplan on Wednesday and enjoyed time with her, parents, and brother.. and yes, I have activites planned for the Labor Day weekend. No barbecue necessary.

Tuvia, I miss you so deeply that  I am speechless…

Bonnie S.

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4 thoughts

  1. Your description of grief emerging and robbing you of “chunks” of time is so accurate….and yet you remind us all to keep going, keep working out, keep loving and living. I hope the stormy weekend won’t be too bad….and that your head can lead you away from the sad-normal-moments that come even after that “1 year” point!

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