Letters to Tuvia Y2#10: In This Life (9-20-16) #sol16

 

Morning T,

Do I hear applause?

Yes, I have taken the ultimate step back out into the world in the quest for a partner.  It was very hard to write the last half of that sentence and it this last piece of getting back into my life again But I’m feeling your push, urging me to take the plunge.  Just remember how long it took you to find me- 12 years!

But I was on a date.  I sat in a dark movie theater with the seat on my left- empty, your seat and the seat on my right filled in a guy and me in the middle- I was shaking, watching a movie that you would have loved, Sully, missing you in the depths of my being. No, I didn’t jump out of my seat and head for the door, no, I didn’t nap… no, I hung in there…

After at the movie we went for dinner at the CheeseCake Factory, and it was there over my usual Tuscan Chicken that I began to consider what I would need to be with someone who, could enhance my life again…

In my I have accepted the reality that you are not coming back.  In my head, I know you left at just the right time for both of us, but in my heart I continue to whisper each morning in the shower… Please come back.. I miss you. 

But that’s my heart calling… and it’s my heart reminding me that I can’t settle for a check list.  My heart reminds me about that spark, that fire between us and yes, I will continue to stay in the “game” but our 20 year bar is high. It’s not just about what you brought to us but what I needed…

I am continuing to meet with Sandie, to chew with her, check in, reflect, raise questions on where I am, how I move beyond… It’s so powerful to sit across from her, in her lovely therapy room and remember where I was a year ago and where I am now… I am still thirsty to understand the steps I take and I appreciate having someone sitting across from me taking this journey with me.. offering me a mirror, a reminder, humanity…

It’s a slow process,  adjusting to this life without you, Tuv R and I am  continuing to fill up on constructive activities… For the next few days I’ll be helping out in Ellenville, baby sitting a sick Nas, bonding with him, supporting Jeff and Marla and checking in on my dad.

AND:

I’m getting ready for a new PD series at Cornwall Elementary School.  I’m playing guitar, working on media projects, meeting friends for a good meal, hosting dinners here,  getting to movies in this new fall season,  shopping at Chicos, crossing my fingers that we can get Hillary elected, reading some powerful books, planning travel, working on Hebrew with new focus,  staying fit, getting ready to spend time in Hoboken when Ami arrives, next Monday, attending my first wedding without you in Vermont…

I can’t say that I will find another man to love, but I promise you that I will make a earnest effort to approach this quest with effort and energy…

He won’t be you but someone special, with his own wow factor…

At the moment I need to sign off, Obama is speaking at the UN.  We would be watching together…now it’s just me for us…

Thank you so much for our rich life together,

Bonnie S.

 

There’s so much more to read.

Join us at Two Writing Teachers with a Slice of your Life

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14 thoughts

  1. I haven’t read your posts in a while, and wow, it sounds busy with the new projects and the new leap into finding someone to share your life with, Bonnie, and you have much to share! Tuvia would be happy for you, and I’m happy for you. It sounds good that you are seeing Sandie to help you mull over everything, taking steps for you!

  2. This is a beautiful post. Sounds like you are stepping in the right direction – while still cherishing your great love, too. Thank you for sharing these heartfelt words.

  3. Bonnie, your excitement for life is showing in this post. A new chapter may be beginning but the last novel of Bonnie and Tuvia remains strong. May your month be filled with rich experiences.

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