First, I didn’t forget that yesterday was 13 months since we spoke together for the last time, since we shared our last cup of coffee, our last conversation about the news of the day, the last time our home was really our home, the last time my life was full and whole.
No, I will never forget when that all came to an end at 10:30 AM on August 21, 2015.
I will never forget that morning. I will never stop mourning the loss of our life together, NEVER!
I’m still trying to make a go of this life without you. I am sitting on my couch, the one you liked more than I did and yes, you did carry weight with me. I’m still sitting on it, without you.
On this couch, I am luxuriating in this living room that you would have loved, approved of its transformation. I am home from a few days away in Ellenville, helping Marla and Jeff with little Nas, using my babysitting time to get to know him. What a sweet boy he is… what a joy it’s been to watch him explore the world at 1 1/2 years.
What a joy and sadness, that I couldn’t grab my phone and share the experience with you.
Ah, there’s the rub… I live well as I live with the sadness that you are gone from my present and future.
As I arrived home, in the lovely cool of early night, collected my things and readied for the walk up to my apartment, Ron my downstairs neighbor, a fellow widow(er) stopped to chat.
” It doesn’t get any easier, does it?”
“Honestly no, I don’t think so.” I’m just a few months ahead of him in the grieving experience. We often check in with a variation of that shorthand and then we move on, to live and mourn.. I feel you always as I take that walk up the back path with the woods on my left side and buildings on my right. I look to the top of the short hill praying that you will be waiting for me… I am always hoping in my heart that you will be waiting for me even though I know in my head you can’t be..
And then I move through the moment, into my building, up the 14 stairs, fumbling for the key, unlocking top and bottom locks and entering the fresh familiar.
And yes, yes, yes, I’m feeling you in me as I sink into the couch you pushed for, even if I wasn’t crazy about the color. I sink into the couch, in my neat, transformed, living room and I enjoy some of the new 2016 TV season. Yes, I loved being away, doing a good deed, being with family… and I loved coming home. I loved walking into my apartment, walking my space, unpacking and repacking, listening to the crickets…
but always wishing you were here with me…on the couch…
And there’s the rub, my love…
Eternally missing you,
PS I need just a bit of this before I shut the lights and end another day without you.