Yesterday came and went and I’m still here, lingering,remembering how we celebrated your birthday in secret. No one could know. We were so different. You wanted no frills, I wanted crowds, excitement. We respected each of our eccentricities.
But as I prepared for this year’s birthday without you, I felt ready to crack open my digital archives and work on creating a piece of your life during the Holocaust to share with the world. I’m sure I could have worked on it when you were still with me but it was complicated to move digital tape to my current software so after Ami listened to our set of interviews that I captured during our first trip to Cancun, and transcribed them the tapes sat on my desk gathering dust and patiently waiting. After all, I had new equipment and new documentary challenges to create pieces focused on different years of your life. But they were always there to crack into one day.
In the early months of your passing I did focus my time on moving all video memories to my external hard drive and I did begin to create pieces of our shared past for my mental comfort. For last year’s first birthday celebration with the family I did create this new slide show. I was in frozen mode and creating this piece helped me get through the the first days in one piece.
Preparing for yesterday I filled my time with friends. Dinner with Jane and Michael here. Christine showed up at the last minute and sure I had good food for the evening but I needed something more.
Finally, I cracked open the older videos and stayed with them, watching you from our early years together sharing your nightmares: your childhood, your adolescence- the years that forced you to deal with the world in a very complicated way. Your solo journey home from the work camp in Russia didn’t destroy you. We woke up together most mornings and embraced the new day with a shower, a cup of coffee, the NY Times, and plans for the day. Resilience!
Maybe that’s why I continue to bound out of bed each morning- your inspiration…rituals impossible to break.
So I knew I had guests coming to honor you last night and I had this new video ready for viewing. I watched it again with them and yes, I could return to it for another revision, but the four of us were together again without tears.
I am so blessed to have had you in my life. So blessed.
Miss you on the morning after… and after and after…