Letters to TuviaY2 #22 Why I Write (10-20-16)

Morning T,

Writing has been keeping me grounded for a very long time.  For the full year after my friend Eileen died, I remember how nurturing it was to splatter my feelings on the page every morning, while you slept, in the darkness, before the NY Times arrived.  It was my writing time…my meditation time.  I didn’t dare consider that I would return to this practice for you, but yes, deeper in the depths of my soul, yes, I knew that writing would support your loss one day,   and it has.

For example, on Monday, as I drove up to Cornwall, riding with an eye to my right, to catch breathtaking  panoramas, itching to stop and capture the drama of the Fall, I kept driving, knowing that I would be back in two days.  I needed to get through Monday’s PD session first and I promised myself that I would remember to take my good camera the next time and stop for a few minutes.

Yesterday, after a successful Monday session, I was back on 9W breathing comfortably.  I was early once again and confident that back with our core group, I had time to stop and enjoy the views and click away with my Nikon, dusty from my move to my much lighter iPhone.  I was out of my car and enjoying another gorgeous, unseasonably warm day in capris, sandals and a tee shirt.  A man, with his Nikon, was shooting just ahead of me, capturing the very shots I would and he was considerate, not wanting to make me wait too long.  I urged him to stay where he was.  I had the time , happy to watch the care he took to frame his shots and adjust his camera dials.  I knew I wouldn’t follow his lead with my camera but I would think about you as I stood in his spots wishing that I you were along for the ride, appreciating these new vistas.

As I drove away from this spot  I refused to feel sorry for myself.  I pledged to focus on the gifts of our 20 years together instead of agonizing over  my present without you.  I was preparing for the writing prompt we would be sharing.  Using Louie Schwartzberg’s TED talk: Nature, Beauty, Gratitude, we would all be writing about what we are grateful for.  I remember sharing this video with you. We rested on the voice of the last speaker, an older man who felt grateful for each day… live today as if it’s your first and your last… I remember we sat close and you gently took right my hand, raised it to your lips and kissed the ring we picked out together.  I am remembering that moment because I was thinking and writing in this moment. The thinking and writing process takes me along a new path, fusing moments into  new creations.

The vista that I’m sharing with you, the life you can’t share with me I’m living now, no matter what.  Every day it’s my challenge to be grateful… as if it’s the my first day and my last. Honestly, I couldn’t consider loving my present a year ago,  but time does heal…

I am so grateful for our 20 years together.  I am so grateful that I found my writing voice… I am so grateful that I get the chance to help other teachers find their writing voices…. I am so grateful to be writing about this and having my community read my words…

I am grateful…

Miss you T on this Thursday that I will be off to get to spend time with Eliana, Sadie, Amanda and Steve…

Bonnie S.

3 thoughts

  1. What an incredible video! How true that we should look at each day as a gift. This is something we need to remember because too often we get caught up in the minor irritations of life. Thanks for reminding me. 🙂

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"writing is the painting of the voice" -Voltaire-

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