Letters to Tuvia Y2#25:Were you with me today? (10-30-16)#sol16


Evening T,

I know this is the second letter I’ve written in one day but I couldn’t wait to get my thoughts on paper so I could make sense of what I was feeling today at the movies so here goes:

I know it sounds crazy but today, for the first time, I truly  enjoyed watching a movie on my own but strangely felt you watching it with me.  I know, if you were here and I told you that I  felt the presence of someone gone, you would have grinned and rolled your eyes, but maybe now you’ve had a change of heart.  Maybe you were with me today?

No matter what, I loved being at the movies.Inferno the latest Dan Brown/Tom Hanks collaboration. Brown’s  4th novel transformed by  Ron Howard behind the camera.  This time I jumped out of my skin, from the plot’s tension , rather than the emptiness of that seat to my left.  No,I’m pretty sure that you would have been  enjoying the movie and watching me, tortured by the suspense of its pacing.  Thumbs up, T.

Here’s more good things that happened today, T.:

  1. I walked at the river this morning, soaking up the sunshine on the day before Halloween.
  2.  I played guitar  and loved the sound I created.
  3. I have a great trip planned to Berkley U. to learn about cutting edge, Virtual Reality Storytelling.  This could be the inspiration I once got from Digital Storytelling Bootcamp in Sedona just before you showed up and we became tourists.
  4. Trump is still in the race, but I’m breathing steadier again even after the bomb that was dropped on Friday.  The cake is baked, as they now say.
  5. I’m starting to enjoy the change of seasons.  Big change from last year, when time was my enemy, taking me farther away from us.
  6.  I’m getting used to parking in the back of my building and walking up the hill with memories of you patiently waiting for me before you would open the door of my apartment.
  7. No more playing Plants vs Zombies.  My data was erased somehow.  I grieved and deleted all memories. How about that?  I hear applause.  No way you ever understood time spent on gaming on these devices.

And one last one:

I’m starting to realize that I am reviving  private and public versions of myself.  That was probably true before you arrived but once we began to create a joint life. I shared more with you than any other person.  I remember how surprised I was when you would call me on the mornings we were apart and want to know what I had for breakfast.  I was hesitant at first to share everything.  You seemed so much more open. Now, in this  second year without you,  I’m feeling a private me can can hit the wall, bounce back, breathe, consider how to move ahead and most importantly be with you without dismantling.  And then there’s a public me… happy to be with company, interested and engaged in conversations that are not just about me…and you… I have to think more about this… I am not the same person I was before you… not the private or public Bonnie.  I have been transformed by the love of a wonderful man.

For now, on this rainy Sunday night, with Ami and  Rick and Earis arriving from Israel  and James driving down from the sticks of the Adirondacks, I am in that unfamiliar place where I have to juggle time and schedules.  Thrilling to be back in our old life rhythm.

Damn, no matter what I write, there is no one I would rather hear treading up my stairs right now… NO ONE!!!!!

Love you,

Bonnie S.


11 thoughts

  1. Love the good things happening list! Interesting concept of the public self and the private self. I think we all have those two personas within us. What’s fascinating is who we allow to see the inside person.

  2. You are always so reflective- here it is wonderful to hear you noticing how and when you are feeling Tuvia with you and knowing what his reactions would be. There is a lot of duality here and the tensions are clearly expressed.

  3. I am intrigued by the private/public persona. I too feel this need for both. Like discovering a sense of myself I had lost.

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