Letters to Tuvia Y2#32: Embrace (12-23-16)


Morning T,

Just yesterday, without any advanced planning Sharon and I lunched with a joy from our shared teaching lives.  Michael was in town for his father’s funeral and as he filled in his calendar around this family  loss we were able to take advanage and catch up.  I’m thinking that the last time I saw him was at my 50th B Day celebration- that’s 17  years ago? Wow.

Now a married man, a father of 4 daughters and a resident of far-away Sweden, he sat across from me and I didn’t know where to begin.  When do you move from small talk to what really matters?  Mostly, I listened.  I find I listen a lot these days- as much as a I can and that’s a good thing.

It was wonderful seeing him grown up, reflective,  trying to make take on his demons and make his life work.  I love the fact that he’s working in the arts, actually working behind the scenes in stage craft.  His Swedish  beard is just a small distraction.  Behind all that gray-white  hair is still  that kid we loved/ still love.  How blessed we were to know him as he began to find his creative passions. I remember…

It was cold out, but that wonderful sunshine cold of winter touched  me as we hugged goodbye.  As 2016 ends I  wonder about where I am in this process of reconnection.

In the early days and weeks and months of this life without you, I had a very difficult time driving alone in my car.   I often listened to the song” Embraceable You” sung by Laura Nyro who  sings from her pain and it was a pleasure to share her journey as  I played the song over and over and over, often for my entire car ride. I grieved mentally and physically and  when I wasn’t in my car and needed to feel your virutal embrace I watched this:


Of course I still watch it.  Now, not every day and it doesn’t always bring  me to tears but it always takes me back to our embrace of life together.

Now I wonder about what I will embrace in 2017.  I think I need to move away from myself and take my new-found energy and embrace the world.  Moving off this couch.. moving to make this life a life well lived…

I will never stop missing your present embrace in my life.  Sitting here in this silence, of course  I miss our daily pow-wows at the kitchen table, choreographing our shared life together.  Ahhh…

Off to an early matinee, off to Ellenville for dinner with my dad, Jeff, Marla, Martin and Eville friends.  Off the couch, out the door in the winter sunshine…

Wish you could come back…but I will keep moving…I promise both of us!


Bonnie S.

4 thoughts

  1. Happy Hannukah, Bonnie, and a new year full of the promise of good things. I’m glad you had the fun with friends, and hope the time with family is nice. It’s hard at this time of year not to miss those special loved ones.

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