Letters to Tuvia Y2:New Year’s Eve #2 Without You (12-31-16)

This is Us 2016

Morning T,

Just finished my annual video project and it’s circulating right now on social media.   I can’t remember how I was able to create  last year’s piece.  I was  feeling so sad, moving so slowly, forcing myself to stay connected even  when I fought against moving into a future without you.  I’m better.  I know that’s what you want to hear and it’s true.    I’m in my life- in my present and future.  I’m anchored,looking forward to a trip to Berkley, to a course in documentary film-making at the New School  with Andrea.  I’m anchored, rooted in this life.

In fact, for  48 hours- more actually, I’ve been here, on this couch, working on this video.   My creative process  was always a challenge.  When you would ask, “how long will this project take?”  I was always too vague.Even estimating more time than I would need, you always saw through my vague sense of time..  You didn’t have something that absorbed you endlessly- our imbalance and your patience to accept me with my passions  was what I loved so much about us.  You always applauded the first viewing of a piece.  Jonathan took the “honor” this year and loved it. That first  draft did not include a picture of us at the end and he asked me about that. Originally it was just me but ironically, Tom’s lyrics in the last chorus of his song was my  pathway to the celebration of  lived lives- our lives together forever.  It’s our 20 years together that moves me on without you here.

At the end of the day, at the end of the year,
At the end of the line I’m glad you are here.
Blessed is the pilgrim who’s able to say
Once I loved you. Once you loved me.
I still love you at the end of the day.

So reach out a hand
To the ones who you love most
And mourn for all those gone away.
We’ll count up our losses,
We’ll bind up our wounds
And tomorrow we’ll face a new day.

But it was a struggle to get this piece created.  A few months ago Apple  upgraded its operating system and my Final Cut software. First, I had to deal with missing new 3rd party plugins ( I know you don’t know what I’m talking about) and it took hours to get the  Pixel Film Studios customer service to help me figure out why.  They could have resolved it in minutes but their new policy is no phone communication  with customers and email is at their discretion.  But finally I had the answer and the tools I needed and then

issue #2- what happened to my familiar workspace in Final Cut? ????

Thursday morning with coffee mug in hand I was psyched- pictures were all organized, , contributors and their captions were located in one folder, music from Tom was on my desktop and I was ready to create a workflow. But  when it opened  I didn’t see my familiar  workspace. WHAT????.  and Apple had done away with their amazing one-to-one support.  I clicked around the web and found some vague introductions to the new software update but  no company has updated to the new version 10.3.1 and You Tube videos were vague as well.

I was on my own and it took patience and time and risk-taking:  grazing over icons, opening and closing menus… just what you hated if you called me in to help you.  This world of trouble shooting- not in your comfort zone.

Finally, at the end of that second day- by yesterday afternoon, I was on my roll and I wanted a complete rough draft before I closed my laptop lid I didn’t want to give into sleep but  by midnight with 7 more participants left and an ending, I knew that if I didn’t stop I could mess up what I had. Reluctantly  I gave in and with an early-morning  gym date at 7 with Anthony I gave in.  I had another day set aside.

I actually  fell in love with the new Final Cut version- so much easier to work a piece to its conclusion but there was a serious learning curve to take on.  Even now, things disappear and I have to stop and trouble shoot- this process would not fit you, that’s for sure. But it’s done and I have another project for this upcoming week, before I leave to learn something new- Virtual Reality Storytelling.

Remember when I traveled to Sedona in the summer of  2003 to learn about digital storytelling and you joined me as I finished their boot camp training.  I was so glad to see you.  So glad to become a tourist.  So glad to share the town with you.  So glad to have you.

No one will arrive as I finish my training in VR.  Can’t say how that will hit me but I have the energy and the patience to take on the life change.  I’m used to my life without you.  I’m not jumping for joy each morning but I’m good- anchored is probably the best word for me- anchored in my present.

Ami and family leave today for  Israel.  It was wonderful being with the whole family. It was not as much time as I would have liked but it’s not all about me.  I had three invitations to celebrate tonight and I went with the first offer- at NYC adventure with Tara and Scott- just like we celebrated the start of 2016.  It feels right to end a year in New York City, the way you and I loved to spend New Year’s Eve. And listening to a peace concert in St John the Divine- will be divine.

Missing you T… and the glamour we created.


Love you always,

Bonnie S.


5 thoughts

  1. What a great piece you produced this year, even with all your ups and downs. One would never know by the final product. Enjoy your evening with Tara and Scott. Happy New Year to you!

  2. Both the video and this letter are beautiful. Thank you for gathering us together, making social media meaningful to me. I’m afraid I share Tuvia’s short attention span for non-working technology. Happy New Year Bonnie.

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