Dear Tuv R.,
We are in week 1 of 2017 and soon the Donald will be sworn in as our 45th president and the very next day, January 21, I will be marching, just like I used to march when I was in college. We marched often under the regime of Tricky Nixon and I loved it! We were in it together as new political activists. Older, with more experience in this political world, wiser? I’m afraid of a Trump presidency. Even though “they” say he really won, I don’t believe it. I don’t think you would either. It would have shaken you to your core belief in mankind, in America, just like it has for Barack and for so many of us. BUT, once again, T. we are in this together. I’ll be marching next to Tara and I’ll be marching for you.
For you, with you… hmmm… shifting…
I had a session with Sandie on Monday after a long hiatus. I spent days prepping for the session, reflecting about my journey into this second year without you here. I say here because you are somewhere. I believe that and I think I’m going to explore that a bit. But that’s enough to say for now. As I expected, but can’t recall in specifics, the conversation was robust and reassuring that yes, I am coming back to me.
In this reconstructed life I can feel myself coming back together again- the mind and body beginning to work together, feeling a wholeness again. Last night I sat across from Nancy in a restaurant called Almond and I felt my self as one whole- anchored and powerful. Our exotic waiter offered the perfect Italian red wine suggestion and encouraged our choice of brussell sprouts as an appetizer and tender chicken for my main dish . And of course stimulating conversation between two old friends growing older together in style. Yes, T, I will never stay away from NYC, I promise.
I’m coming out of my grieving fog. I’m sleeping better, playing guitar with a new pleasure, struggling with Hebrew, feeling guilty when I spend too much time playing Plants vs Zombies, on my ipad,and leaving MSNBC on way too long as background “music” for political junkies. Instead I should be reading more and working on my video projects and getting back into better control of my eating habits. Time for my food journal and a zipper around my mouth.
Of course the tougher challenges still to overcome: the long, uninterrupted periods of silence, the lack of partnership, the large spaces of time that can’t be filled, no matter how many texts I send out, or calls I make. The rest of the world seems to the racing in their busy lives. I remember when my life with you was a race. I dreamed that you would want to slow us down- a day in pjs. But that day never happened in our 20 years. Now, when I can make that happen anytime, I long for the race. I miss the exhaustion.
Still and always, I miss that life with you…but I am working through it, trying to make this one work without you; Just trying to live that life well lived.