Letters to Tuvia Y2: Accepting Gone (1-26-17)

Morning T,

Last night I shared my latest video creation with Jeff for his 65th birthday.  I was two weeks late but given that I was in Berkeley on his birthday for the tech workshop in VR360, and we were pretty sure he had no idea that I was working on it, my window of opportunity  expanded. I finished the first full draft on Monday morning at 4:30AM. Maybe that was my very first all-nighter.

I thought about late nights at your kitchen table when I was in that finishing stage  with a project and at 11, as you went off to bed, I promised I would join you soon.  But by  1,  I would look up from my computer screen and see you staying there, sleepy-eyed,demanding I shut it all down and join you. Torn, wanting to see the finished product, but   I  shut the lid, the lights, and took your hand for the walk down the narrow hallway to our bedroom.

You weren’t there this time to interrupt the process and remind  me that I was needed.  I filled the silence of my space.  11:30, 1:00, 4:00.Done! A shower,  a cup of coffee, half an English muffin and with pillow and blanket Morning Joe at 6 moved me to a nap as Trump began his first full day as president. But I was fortified with my  first full draft already listing places for revision.  In a few hours Jon would be walking up my staircase for my first lesson in two weeks and I was totally unprepared, but I was smiling.

And that’s what I’ve come to learn from this grieving process.  The most difficult thing to accept is”permanent absence”.   I remember, when kind friends would say in the early weeks, after you left , after  the funeral, as I fought the constant dismantling of daily life without you, “the  memories of your 20 years together will be without always.”

What?  What do I want with memories?

It’s just now that I can scan through pictures, I can watch videos and begin to embrace our life together without pain.   You’ve been gone a year and 1/2  and I’m understanding and  accepting the permanence of loss.  You aren’t coming back. Our life together is over. For most of year 1  I fought the passing of time.  I walked through days, weeks, months trying not to waste life but it was almost impossible to enjoy anything without you.

But I can feel myself coming out of the fog as I hold you tight, grateful for who I am now because of the us we created. I move up and off the couch as much as I can to play guitar, exercise, just stroll through the rooms of my apartment filled with pieces of us and  with a new string of lights hung from the windows in each room, healing.

You were spectacular. We were spectacular.

Accepting “gone”,

Bonnie S.

3 thoughts

  1. Memories are that ‘glue’ that holds us tight, Bonnie. I see that you love your memories, and I love seeing that happiness in them. They are “spectacular”! Have a great day!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


"writing is the painting of the voice" -Voltaire-

Tammy L. Breitweiser

writer * educator * reader

lit bits and pieces

Snippets of learning and life


a motherhood community for moms who do it all


This WordPress.com site is the cat’s pajamas

Crawling Out of the Classroom

In everything that my students and I do together, we strive to find ways to use reading and writing to make the world outside of our classroom a better place for all of us to be

Lisa's Ramblings: Random Thoughts on the World We Live In...


Freeing the Writer Within

As I See It

Observations on Life

AnnaGCockerille Literacy

The Generative Power of Language: Building Literacy Skills One Word at a Time

Haddon Musings

There are 11,507 stories in Haddonfield; this is one of them.

To Read To Write To Be

Thoughts on learning and teaching

Just Let Me Teach

MrsWp, ELA Teacher


How to stay sane studying to become a teacher, and eventually, during your first years (when I get there!)


Smile! You’re at the best WordPress.com site ever

%d bloggers like this: